Killer offers greetings from the Upper crust of society
I was bumped from my original flight out of Atlanta along with many, many other people. Not surprisingly the powers that be recognized my regal inner beauty and re-booked me with First Class accommodations. There is an unspoken code that those of us lucky enough to experience the First Class lifestyle, do not let the secrets out to the proletariat wallowing away in coach. I, however, am a rebel, and am going to give you a peak. At the beginning of every flight they give a short instructional talk about what to do in case of an emergency, what do to if the oxygen comes down, and also what to do if you crash into the ocean. I never knew that the First class instructions were different. This is they.
Thank You for flying with us today. I would like everyone to take a moment and find the exit at the front of First Class. Do NOT go to the exit in coach. It will clogged with panicked cattle, those doors don’t really open very well anyhow. The exits will not be needed since if we should begin to crash, First Class will break away and a parachute will deploy, lowering you back to Earth in a slow and pleasing manner.
If we should lose cabin pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling. Please pull down on your mask, place over your face, and tighten the cords. You will notice a lovely aroma of fresh lilac, this is to make your leisurely float back to Earth more enjoyable. The bag WILL inflate, we just tell Coach passengers it may not, because they don’t actually receive any oxygen through their masks. We had to cut costs someplace, please enjoy another complimentary glass of champagne.
In the unlikely event of a water landing, Coach passengers have been given life vests. First Class passengers should swim to the nearest group of Coach passengers, alive or dead, and use the special cords on those life vests to attach them together to form a lifeboat. It is recommended that you choose the more obese Coach passengers, since they tend to float better and are much more comfortable to lounge upon while awaiting your rescue. Don’t worry your flight crew is specially trained to continue beverage service for the First Class passengers after a crash landing.
Thank You for flying First Class, and as an added bonus on tonight's flight, at your convenience, feel free to meander into Coach, pick any low class passenger, and shit upon them.
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5 comments:
So that's why they sneer at us from First Class....
effing first classers. I will go fly Jet Blue and screw them all.
muahahah....
ha?
I recall once being seated in the front of lower-class. In first class, there was a constantly screaming baby. Eventually, as they got ready to take off, they pulled those heavy divider curtains separating first class from lower-class.
The screaming baby sound greatly dimished for those of us not stuck in first class for the rest of the flight.
So, who did you choose to shit upon?
I dream of first class. I want the complimentary cocktails.
Once, when LM was hungry on a late-night flight to California and dinner was not being served in coach, the flight attendant grabbed him a meal from first class. That was close enough for us. We are but a simple people.
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