Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Happiness Is Only A Six Pack Away

Slurred incoherently by Killer

I have decided to write a motivational book. I might call it, "Chicken soup for the chicken soup hating soul". I really despise self help/motivational books. If you have enough motivation to get up out of bed, drive all the way to the bookstore, search out the self help/motivational book section, find the one that best fits your pathetic life, and take it up to the counter to buy it, STOP, don't buy the book. You just proved to yourself just how motivated you actually are, good job, now go take a nap.
If, on the other hand, some well intending family member or "friend" gives you a motivational book, use that book and hit them in the eyeball. They have decided to make you aware of how pathetic your life looks to the outside world. You don't need friends like that. As a matter of fact, they are probably the cause of your troubles to begin with.
The real name of my motivational book is, "Drink Yourself to a Better You". It is a warm and inspirational piece encouraging people to find happiness in the bottom of a bottle. Don't waste your time seeking psychiatric help. According to research performed by top Scientology officials and Tom Cruise, all psychiatry is a farce. Tom Cruise would not lie to you. He is a movie star, and if it is one thing our society has shown, movie stars are better people than you. Instead of throwing thousands of dollars and hours of you life away with a shrink, just meander on down to the local liquor store and pick up a six pack of beer, or as I like to call it, "twelve ounces of happy, with five of his happy pals."
Drinking not only makes your spouse/significant other/that stranger next to you in bed look better, it also makes you look better. Drink six beers and strip naked in front of a mirror. Suddenly all those superficial flaws are gone and the only thing left is pure sexy. Hell, drink a few more and go run around the neighborhood naked. You are looking so good right now it would be a shame not to share it with everyone.
Drinking can also quiet those nagging fears and insecurities. If you have been feeling inadequate at work lately just start ending the day with a few heavy drinks. Before long you will no longer worry about the small things at your job like, doing those reports due Friday, wearing clean pants , or even showing up at all. Maybe you are concerned about your boss' evaluation of your performance, well do some shots and call him at home and give him an evaluation of how you think he is doing. I'm sure he will be impressed by your straight forward, no nonsense approach. He might even manage to free up some time so you can spend a LOT more time drinking.
Drinking also helps quiet the voices in your head. Many times I will be sitting around the house and I will hear the voices telling me to put on my girl scout costume, shave my head bald and walk around poking people in the butt with a pickle fork. Luckily for me, I keep beer on hand at all times. The first few beers and they starting talking louder and get angrier, but don't give up. After the ninth or tenth beer and a few shots of grain alcohol, the voices are down to a dull roar. When this happens to you, just follow my example and bottoms up. Believe me, people get pretty pissed when they are jabbed in the buttocks with a pickle fork.
This is just a sampling of the wisdom I will espouse upon you. Just wait until the book comes out. I am just going to have a few more drinks and get back to work.


Cathy said...

Definitely one of your best rants! Couldn't agree more about the self help books. I currently see my therapist about once a week. Usually I see Dr. Harp, but occasionally will see one of is colleages. You learn to love the voices in time!

Anonymous said...

I usually think your humor sucks but after much deliberation I found this somewhat humorous. Unfortunately I find you sexy after a few brews and I would like for you to come over next time that girl scout uniform comes around.