Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Memorable Quotes and Conversations With Patients

"I'm just scratching my balls. If I ever need help for that I will kill myself."

"You're too fat to be a nurse, go lose twenty pounds and try again."

"A man nurse! Their gonna let that bitch, Hillary, be President, and my nurse has a dick. What has happened to America?"

"Your not giving me a suppository! Look at the size of your fingers!"

Patient one: "You have to move me, the guy in the next bed smells like elephant shit."
Patient two: "You spend much time around elephant shit?"
Patient one: "No, that's why I gotta move."

"After you wipe my rear I want you to show me the toilet paper so I can assess my stool." (studies used toilet paper for about a minute) "My doctor says my paralysis is all psychological. Does that look like the stool of a crazy person?"

Patient: "I think the woman in the next bed has had a bowel movement.
Me: "That bed is empty."
Patient: "Well that just leaves you and me, and I think I would know if I had a bowel movement."
Me: "I'll go the bathroom and check." (It was her)

Patient: "You guys are always poking me with a needle. What, do you charge per stick?"
Me: "Yes, the more sticks the more I get paid."
Patient: "I knew it! I can't wait to tell my brother, he said that was ridiculous."
Me: "I was only joking. I just like sticking people with a needle. I'd do it for free."
Patient: "Oh, well I'm going to tell him anyway, he's an asshole when he's right."

Patient: "A male nurse? Why aren't you a doctor?"
Me: "I was but my patients kept dying so they demoted me."
Patient: "Can you become a doctor again?"
Me: "If you live through the night I'm one step closer."
Patient: "What if I die?"
Me: "I have to work in the cafeteria."


EEK said...

"my patients keep dying so they demoted me."

That's nice Killer. I'll bet that really soothed the patient's nerves. Seriously, though, you should try selling some of the scenarios to Grey's Anatomy.

shoes said...

i'm having a very bad day. my depression from the bad half of manic/depressive is kicking in but you made me laugh....out loud , in my office. people came to check on me and now they are laughing too. great post

shoes said...

"A man nurse! Their gonna let that bitch, Hillary, be President, and my nurse has a dick. What has happened to America?"

this is the official line of the day

Mist said...

I usually try to pump my nurses for information that I am certain the doctor is withholding from me. Also, I like to ask if it's the worse they've ever seen.

Paul said...

Funny how many of these conversations I think I've had as a paramedic. See this conversation I had with a patient who called 911 for a definite non-emergency:

Pt:"Is it bad?"
me:"It's an infected splinter."
Pt:"Am I gonna die?"

Liz said...

I want a post like this monthly, please. Start journaling now!

Burg said...

I agree... I want many more of those!!

chad said...

maybe the poop guy is onto something. we could use stool samples as the sole means of admission into/discharge from an asylum.
--'sorry mr. brady, but your poop still looks a bit looney. you'll have to stay with us a while longer.'
--'good news, williams. sane poop. you're free to go home'

Fringes said...

This list was laugh aloud funny. You seem so compassionate even in the weird moments. When it's time for someone else to wipe my ass, you're the first person I'm calling.

Julie_Gong said...

That was the best. Thanks!

hellohahanarf said...

my mom was a nurse and was attempting to explain to an older and very hard of hearing gentleman about the emergency call button. he couldn't understand her, so mom started screaming, "just push the button and the nurse will come. yes! push the button and the nurse will come." when she exited the room she found coworkers with huge smiles and asking her to make the man push the button so they could all cum. mom was mortified. in a good way. :)

sunchaser said...

"You're too fat to be a nurse, go lose twenty pounds and try again."

I can't believe that people actually say that to you. So rude!

Killer said...

To be fair, he was a confused old man with dementia, and he was accusing me of being a prison guard, instead of a nurse.