Saturday, April 07, 2007

Taxing

Liz is kinda sorta happy to contribute:


When you study ancient civilizations you learn about the tributes that the common people paid to the king and the king's guards. You find out that taxes have been around even longer Larry King, which seems impossible but is true. I try to mark all historical events as "pre" and "post" Larry.


Wasn't it Franklin who said, "There are two certain things in life. Death and taxes."? He left out asshole, but that's a whole other rant.


Taxes serve obvious purposes, but what I'm getting taxed seems extreme because there appears to be little accountability on how the money is spent. The IRS has a clever way of disguising this shafting. They call it a refund.


I did my taxes yesterday and had a severe case of Intaxication; Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with. Once I saw that a cool $1500 was coming my way, I made all sorts of plans, including a real vacation and a shiny new dishwasher. Then I thought about it and a stream of profanity came from my pure lips.


I get to spend about 70% of my money the way I want to, with around 30% going to taxes. Even though I'm doing 100% of the work. I am the government's sugar daddy. This pisses me off. Do sugar daddies have a say in how their money gets spent or do they simply give an allowance? I need to know in order to best maintain my role. If Congress is my bitch, I need the protocol on how to treat 'em. And I think I should get to stay in any congressional office I want to when I visit Washington. I'm paying for it. A couch will do. And a foot rub.


Unrelated but always relevant, I have noticed that as I age my standards of good looking have dramatically dropped. When I was a kid I found the following people disgusting looking: Luke Duke, Bea Aurthur, Alan Alda, and Rhoda. Now 35, these people aren't mutants. Hell, Luke Duke is HOT and Rhoda is actually pretty. What is the lowering of standards called? Hotollerance? Poor vision? I now also think Stephen Colbert is fine, when I know that at 9 I would have simply thought he looked like someones dad. Yes. I said FINE.

How about you? Was there any one you thought horribly ugly as a child that you now think, "You know, with enough drinks in me I might..."?

14 comments:

Churlita said...

Oh man. I hear you on the taxes. I could definitely use a complimentary tax payers foot rub.

I like bald guys now. I didn't when I was younger, but now most guys my age are bald, so I might as well be attracted to that. And hairy backs? Eh, they're not so bad anymore either.

Greg said...

I had to pay $450 this year. Does intaxication work the other way?

:*(

Liz said...

Churlita,

The more you write, the more I think you'd love Killer, possibly in a Biblical way, if you two ever met.

Greg,

You got screwed. I'm sorry. I would advise that you either get back in school or buy a house. Or maybe you're just wealth? I hear the rich always end up paying taxes. From my experience that also includes the struggling middle class. I always had to PAY when I was a teacher making $25k a year.

mist1 said...

My tax attorney hates the IRS more than anyone I know. He takes it personally if the IRS gets a penny of my money. I love him, but every year, I am afraid that I am going to jail. I'm sure it's not okay to claim the child tax credit for my cat and guinea pig.

heather said...

wait! i could have claimed bear, bella and the fish!? damn jackson hewitt, they just cost me 6 grand!

as for the guys, in my younger days i would have never gone for a bald guy with a full red beard and 'stash, but considering his willingness to do battle for me i may have to rethink that. ;-)

LC said...

Shit, I have always been attracted to short balding guys with glasses, and actually think that Clooney is not so goodlooking, so I am not one to make any comments on that.

I ended up getting a refund, that I used to pay off some of my credit cards, which is what I would've done throughout the year anyway.

There's even a new credit, for long distance service use or something? It's 60 more bucks in your pocket.

laughingattheslut said...

I want to say that is must be nice to make enough money to be in the 30% tax bracket, even if you do have to pay that much in taxes. But maybe you're not making that much money. Maybe you are also counting state taxes or some other taxes that I don't have to pay. Or maybe you are counting stuff like Social Security, which doesn't figure into the tax refund.

This year we're getting about 800 dollars back. Seems like the last few years we owed money, so I am happy about the refund even if it is not enough for a real vacation and a dishwasher.

I guess I am especially ticked off about stuff that we are told tax money is spent on, but then we end up paying extra for it anyway. We have a few toll roads here and there. Supposedly they're only supposed to be toll roads until they collect enough money to make up for how much they went over budget, but I for one have never seen a toll booth torn down. Once it is there, it seems to stay there.

And parts of the interstate system in other states are toll roads. I was sure that federal taxes were supposed to pay for all the roads with an I in front of the number. So what is up with the toll booth if we've already been taxed for it?

I don't know about the old people looking good now. I've had a crush on Leonard Nimoy my whole life. Still have a crush on Mr. Spock, but Mr. Nimoy is finally getting up there. But I think Sean Connery was always hot. In fact, in my opinion, he didn't get really hot until sometime after Outland, so I don't watch James Bond stuff.

I guess it is more my reaction to ordinary men that has changed. You expect people on TV to be good looking, while the rest of us have days that we look like crap and do not have a whole team of people trying to fix us up. But sometimes now I find myself noticing someone with solid white hair or little hair at all, cause doesn't he have the most brilliant blue eyes. Probably wouldn't even have looked at his eyes before.

Killer said...

Taxes rock! I am excited to pay taxes every year. (I think the IRS is watching me, so I am trying to act cool.)
As a travel nurse, I get to write off all kinds of crazy shit. I used a different tax account one year and the first thing he asked me was, "How gray are you willing to be?" That comment frightened me, but I got $6000 back.

I used to be very selective about my ladies, but now I only want a heartbeat, four limbs and atleast one boob.

heather said...

laughing, i'm with you on the tolls. here in new york the tolls supposedly go toward road maintenance and schools. if that's the case why are so many of our schools and roads in disrepair?
killer, i'm sooo glad you haven't completly given up on your standards.

heather said...

btw, happy easter you two! :-)

Mel Francis said...

Well, this year Taxes were fine...next year, they won't be.

And I already admitted my deep dark secret crush...on Steve from Blue's Clues. And I think Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart are both fine. Oh, and I really like Conan O'Brien, too. When I was younger, those guys wouldn't have even made it near my radar.

dmarks said...

Well, which one of us has a weekly Christine Barankski blog feature?

Liz said...

Laughing,

I am certainly not wealthy like, say, a travel nurse, but yet I get taxed like I'm a Rockefeller. I think I'm somewhere in the 25% to 30% bracket. I am not sure what the cut off to be in that bracket is, but I assure you, I am at or near the bottom.

And yes, I have to pay state taxes.

LC,

I can almost understand not thinking Clooney is a God in human form. He is very masculine. VERY. That can be off putting, but in his case I find it a recipe for perfection. In addition, he is not a short balding guy with glasses. I am so glad there is a market for that type of man. I have two words that should make your day: Jason Alexander.

Killer,
A $6k refund? I'm totally letting you pay for dinner when you come back.

briliantdonkey said...

Paying again this year myself. Not much mind you but scratching that check won't happen till 1150 pm on the 16th none the less.

BD