Living With The Bam Fam

Killer mooches like a pro

Being back in Mississippi has brought about some ugly truths. I am officially homeless. I have been a traveling nurse for so long, living in corporate, furnished apartments, I have had no need for furniture or a permanent home. I don't own a single object that will not fit inside my Jeep Wrangler; except my Jeep Wrangler, and attempting to place a Jeep Wrangler within itself creates all kinds of folds in the space-time continuum that I can not properly explain with my neanderthalic understanding of basic math.

I would normally sleep at my parent's house with my sister's house as a safety flop house, but my sister, brother-in-law, and their baby have temporarily sought refuge at my parent's house whilst they build a new, shiny, deluxe version of a house. Add my little brother, who is also residing in my parent's house, and I am suddenly, and unceremoniously without an abode.

Enter the Bam. I have mentioned Bam in the past. He is a frequent travel companion, and often I worm my way into his "family" vacations. Bam graciously offered up his spare bedroom, he actually offered up his half of his bed, but his lovely wife would notice if the lump sleeping next to her doubles in size, and body hair density.

I love the Bam family. They are quirky, funny and they never ask questions about all the strange animal noises that emit from my room during the night.

Upon entering the Bam Fam Pad I was quickly set upon by the Lady of the House. She wanted to make sure I knew the rules of my continued stay. I am given full run of the house with no limits or expectations, save two.

1. No blogging naked
2. No blogging about family secrets or idiosyncrasies.

The Bam Fam Matriarch apparently is a daily lurker here. She keeps close tabs on Killer Rants and does not wish to see the family wash portrayed for all the world to see. I assured her that I am a man of integrity and outstanding moral fiber.

As I sit here in the Bam Fam computer room, stunned by the frostiness of the shiny, pink plastic chair against my bare buttocks, I can not help but be tempted by the intense desire to retell the strange effects sleeping pills have on Mrs. Bam or the frequency of Bam getting his ass kicked by his 14 year old daughter; alas, I refrain.

The Mississippi nights can be temperamental and the roaming wild life is intimidating. Until I have another secure place to lay my weary head I will be forced to hold my tongue and keep the dirty little secrets to myself. Although, I must add...me NOT blog naked?!? NEVER!

I Forgot Who I Had Breakfast With This Morning

Killer has no idea what is going on

I have mentioned that my time is drawing to an end here in Sacramento. After leaving so many hospitals, I have become immune to the sadness of goodbye. Yes, I have worked closely with you for six months. Yes, I am an awesome guy. No, I don't need a tissue.

The people I work with are always saddened at my departure, but I, being an ass, am usually just wanting to get away clean, with little or no emotional attachment. They give me their phone numbers, tell me to call them, ask me to send them postcards, and inform me, "you'll be back. You'll miss us too much."

Little do they know, in a few hours, I will have forgotten the vast majority of their names.

I don't know if it is a deep emotional protective mechanism provided by my fragile psyche, or if maybe I am really just a complete asshole; regardless, I slip away into the night, unfazed and unaffected by the parting of ways.

Sorry, whatever your name was. Life is cruel sometimes.

I was taken to breakfast this morning by a group of coworkers. They wanted to spend one last moment together before I leave. I was touched. I rather would have gone to bed, but I felt it necessary to give them one last chance to soak in the Killer goodness.

Unfortunately I was the only one at breakfast who was not Filipino. I don't begrudge the ethnic diversity of California, but it is less than exciting to sit and listen to a hour long debate about the pros and cons of buying a Toyota mini-van, especially when the entire discussion is in a language I don't speak.

The only Tagalog I know is in reference to my testicles, and due to poor designs by Toyota, that doesn't relate well to their mini vans.

Soon I will be free.

Everyone Knows Me Better Than Me

Killer predictably posts

Everyone has moments when someone else offers a keen insight into your personality. Sometimes it might be a compliment about how nice you are, or a criticism about the way you laugh when old people fall down, and sometimes it can be a supposed compliment used to sneak in a criticism, such as, "You would be quite handsome, if you lost twenty pounds."

Occasionally complete strangers will offer suggestions. Those always seem more honest to me because they should have no reason to protect my feelings. Unless they are criticising me, then I just think the world is full of dicks.

A few days ago, I was apparently sending off a "suggestion box" vibe, because everyone was sharing their opinions of me, ALL DAY LONG.

A strange lady at the gym stopped me and said, "I've been watching you for the last few months, and you are doing great." I've never had a stalker, at least not one this badly obvious, so I did not know how to respond. So, I just said, "Thank you," and put my headphones back on.
- I felt happy she was supporting me, but scared that she was watching me. I always worry my ass crack is hanging out when I am lifting weights.

Driving from the gym to the hospital I was approaching a yellow light. I probably could have squeaked through, but I was thankful for the chance to stop so I could unwrap my power bar without having to steer with my knees. I had been doing leg exercises at the gym, and my thighs were really sore. The guy behind me raced past me in the turn lane and yelled, "Learn to drive, asshole!" He yelled this while pointing at me and running the red light. I made a conscious decision a few years back to not give into road rage anymore, so I just waved and yelled, "Okay, thanks."
- I would like to think he was trying to be supportive of my continuing education, but I think he should have said it a little nicer. He called me an asshole, but I feel sometimes I am, so maybe he knows me.

I arrived at work and there was a patient who was screaming obscenities and spitting on everyone. I was happy that I had been there the night before and worked in the back. Usually we get the same assignment back, and both mine were nice and comatose, just like I like 'em. The charge nurse came over and said, "I moved you up front so you could take this crazy guy. You are always so calm and easy going, I figured you wouldn't mind. Nobody else wants him." I just sighed and said, "From now on, if you are going to screw me, you gotta promise to give me a reach around." She looked confused, so I just walked away.
- A compliment that sugar coated a royal screwing is not really a compliment. So, being a nice guy has bitten me in the ass again. I need that asshole to come out that apparently makes me a bad driver.

As I was leaving the hospital in the morning there was a group of young Girl scouts out front with their troop leader. I was strolling by when the troop leader said, "You look like the kind of guy who could eat a bunch of Girl scout cookies." The group of girls all giggled with delight. My mind was instantly filled with some witty comebacks, mostly centered around pedophilia and cookies, but decided they would be inappropriate for the present audience. So, I just remained calm and responded, "No thanks, they would go straight to my hips," as I walked on to my Jeep.
- One of those "innocent" comments, by a Girl scout leader to boot. This one I found most offensive of them all. She might as well have yelled, "Hey fatty, you know you want these cookies."

I arrived home and locked myself in my room. I could not take anymore unsolicited insight into my fragile psyche.

By the way, the age-inappropriate comment I wanted to fire back at the Troop leader, "I don't really care for any Thin Mints, but I got my eye on that thin redhead to your left." I held back to not scar the kiddies, plus it would have only lead to even more assumptions about my character.