Here are the ways I plan on celebrating my birthday at work tonight.
1. Smear icing all over the chest of my comatose patient, stick candles on his nipples and then blow them out. Clean him up before the family comes in and presses charges.
2. Treat every gross liquidy poop like it is a fabulous gift. "Mrs. Johnson, you shouldn't have. Look! It's my favorite color. How did you know?"
3. Unwrap wound dressings like birthday presents. "Oooo, the wrapping is exquisite. I'm going to keep the wrapping and use it again. I can't wait to see what it is. (GASP) A bloody stump...with gangrene! This AND the poop, you have done too much."
4. Eat cake and ice cream in front of my diabetic patients. "Mmmmm, this is deliciously sweet."
5. Tell the schizophrenic patient that I am her Son, and it is my birthday. She will cry, hug me and after she sings Happy Birthday, I'll say, "There were a couple of guys in dark suits out front, in a big white van, asking questions about you." When she starts to freak out the rest of the staff will come in and knock her out with Haldol. In a couple of hours, when she wakes back up, I can do it again.
6. Show up for work in my "Birthday Suit".
