Liz's dating scheme:
I may have mentioned that my boss had a Christmas party a few weeks ago for the office. I missed it, which I hate because his parties are always unusual. This year was escargot and a magician. A MAGICIAN!!!
Today I was thinking about that. What if you dated a magician? How would life be different? Would it kind of being like going out with Jesus where things appear out of thin air? Would it be annoying because he would demand that you say "Ta Da" when he entered the room? Would he bring his work home with him as in, "Yea. Rabbits, unfortunately, aren't the only thing I can make disappear."
I see some obvious perks to dating a magician. I could load up on quarters (pulled from behind my ear) and I could pawn him out as my "gift" for friends' children's parties. I could borrow his cape, which I am strangely interested in trying on. Plus, I'll bet he would teach me some of his basic tricks and after we broke up I could use these to woo my next boyfriend; who I think should be a house painter because I've got some cabinets and crown molding in serious need of a touch up.
I think I've been going about this "dating" all wrong. My standards have been decency, humor, interests, attractiveness, and employment status. I really need to start dating based on my immediate needs and ignoring all of those silly prerequisites. Computer running slow? Go out with an IT guy for 2 dates. Hair needs a trim? Find a barber to court. Hate going grocery shopping during the holidays? Hello supermarket bag boy! Come to momma! Back has a kink? Masseuse...which would have to be a long term commitment. That one would be tough to let go of.
See how this works?
When I moved into this house over a year ago, the cable guy gave me free HBO as well as his number. He said that if I wanted to go out to give him a call. I was appreciative of the HBO but didn't want to date him, based on those outdated prerequisites I mentioned. When I got an HDTV I had to have my cable box replaced and when a different guy came to the house, he took my HBO away! It's been about 6 months and I miss having HBO. I should pull out that old service record and give Bubba a call.
Anybody know a reasonably cute janitor? I'm tired of mopping. 
