The Truth is Boring

Killer is a filthy liar

When on the road by myself, I often lie to bartenders about my job. I don't know why, but saying travel nurse gets boring and always illicits the same questions. "What's that? Where are you from?" When I answer Mississippi, I get a look that implies the following thought process, "is he in the KKK? Can he read? Does he live in a trailer? Does he sleep with his own kin?"
The answers are always, No, Yes, No, Sometimes.

It's a challenge to invent a career instantly and believably. The secret lies in choosing a field that is both confusing and so ridiculous no one can verify it's truth. It also helps to be able to judge other's gullibility. The following are a few of my favorite pseudo careers and snippets from the conversations that they created.

I'm a Free Lance Astronaut
BT: "What's that?"
ME: "I got tired of the government and all their archaic "weight" requirement bullshit at NASA, so I now am a free agent, and work for any yahoo with a rocket ship."
BT: "Who else has rocket ships?"
ME: "Other countries, but the language barrier is trouble, so I mostly work for private American companies. You know, deliveries for the space station and satellite repair jobs."
BT: "What made you decide to be an astronaut?"
ME: "When I was little I really loved Tang."
Did she believe me? Not sure, I got a free beer, but she was young, and I believe she thought "Tang" was a code word for Vagina.

I do Voice Overs for Commercials
BT: "Do you do any big commercials?"
ME: "Right now I am involved in a national campaign for Valtrex."
BT: "The herpes medicine?"
ME: "Yes, (in deep announcer voice) 'Do you suffer from genital herpes?'"
BT: "Eww, those commercials kind of creep me out. Do they pay much?"
ME: "Yeah, and Valtrex is great, because I get a free life time supply of Valtrex. So, that saves me a lot of money."
Did she believe me? Apparently, she did not talk to me again.

I'm a Professional Wrestler
BT: "Really!? What's your name?"
ME: "We wrestlers don't use our real names. My wrestling name is 'Killer Kadoogan', but sometimes I have to wear a mask and then my name changes often."
BT: "Are you on TV?"
ME: "I'm pretty new, so I usually have to wrestle before the cameras are turned on, but I have been on a few times to lose to some old wrestler. I'm due to make the big event soon though."
BT: "Is wrestling real?"
ME: "I took an oath to never answer that question."
Did they believe me? I was hammered and told this story to everyone in the bar, during Mardi Gras in New Orleans. I got a lot of free beads and even more free drinks. There were a few nay sayers, but they eventually took their picture with me like everyone else, just in case.