I believe the children are our future.

A post by Uncle Killer

In about four weeks I am going to be an Uncle for the first time. My joys are two fold. First, my Mother will be awarded a Grandchild, so the pressure is off me to end my nomadic, spinster ways. Second, I am going to have unfettered access to a young impressionable mind to nurture and pass along the vast amounts of wisdom I have collected over the years. Most of which I choose to ignore.

Dispensing with the obvious lessons, Don't do drugs, Do good in school, Don't be a racist, Do share you candy with Uncle Killer. Those are more for the parents to instill. I have much more valuable information to share.

* Don't be a LSU fan.
This will be tough considering your Daddy is a Coon Ass. A Coon Ass is a person of Southern Louisiana upbringing. Please don't misunderstand, you will not find a more honest spoken, hard working group of people. Maybe it is something about living in a swamp, mixed with French ancestry, that makes wearing purple and yellow polyester and fervently believing the sun revolves around Baton Rouge an uncontrollable disorder.
I have lived all over the country and there is no sports fan, professional or amateur, more obnoxious than LSU fans.
(note: if you ever meet a person from Southern Louisiana feel free to call them a Coon Ass, they have no shame in the matter.)

* Don't eat your vegetables.
I realized long ago the ugly truth behind the Pro-vegetable propaganda. They taste like crap and they offer nothing you can't get from a daily vitamin and a glass of Metamucil. If you stand strong together we can someday bring those evil broccoli and English pea farmers who secretly control our government to their knees.

* Don't get potty trained.
Right now you can use the bathroom anywhere and anytime you want. Why give that up? Once they trick you into "using the potty like a big boy" you can never go back. Trust me, I have tried. Once everybody associates you with smelling like urine and feces they'll get used to it and you can get on with your care free life. Besides port-a-potties and public restrooms are disgusting. At least you will be able to rest assured you are the only person shitting in YOUR pants.

This is just a small sampling of the nuggets of wisdom I am going to pass along to my nephew. Once I make him into my image I can pass my half of this blog down to him to continue.
I think Liz is leaning towards cloning to keep her half alive, but until that technology is ready I am going to have my nephew prepared as a back up plan.