The shopping intervention:
Fiscal Liz:
I really didn't ask you to join me at lunch to talk to you about going to Europe this year. By the way, you should order something off the lunch menu.
Shopping Liz:
Really? Why are we having this lunch then?
**Eyes waiter**
"I'd like the pecan crusted salmon, creme brulee for desert, and let's get things started with the mushroom poppers."
Fiscal Liz:
It's you and this whole on-line shopping thing. Do you know how much you've spent at Overstock.com in the past year and 1/2?
Shopping Liz:
What? Maybe $900 over the past couple of years? Wait! I did buy a chair from there. Maybe $1500?
Fiscal Liz, cutting a steely glance:
Try $3550 and some change.
Shopping Liz:
WHAT? I could have bought a used car with that! I could have gotten a plasma TV with that! I could have my own Wii and I could have taken guitar lessons! I could have gone on a major spa retreat with that money! I could have my OWN massage chair at home!
**Sees fiscal Liz nodding in agreement. Tone changes**
That's a lot of money, I guess.
Fiscal Liz:
That IS a lot of money and that's just at Overstock.com. That's not even a place where you really shop! You know if you want clothes you go somewhere in town. Just like when you bought your HD TV last year, and the 6 pairs of unnecessary shoes, and the new outfits, and yet ANOTHER pair of silver hoop earrings.
Shopping Liz:
So... what are you saying? I don't have a right to buy what I want? I'm the one that works, you know.
Fiscal Liz:
I'm saying that you're sick! How many pairs of socks does one woman need? For Christ's sake! You have 9 coats. NINE! It's not even COLD around here but 2 months a year! Liz, you bought a rotating disco ball. A ROTATING DISCO BALL. Let's not even get into your obsession with perfumes. How many bottles do you have? 15? 20? 30? You're obsessed with having spares of things too. That's just weird. If Charmin ever goes out of business, you'll still be stocked with toilet paper well into your 50s. Honey, that's just not normal.
Shopping Liz:
Oh God... you're right! I live in 1500 square feet, alone, yet every closet, every drawer, every cabinet is full.
**tearing up**
It's those emails they send me! They all say "Deep Discounts". They taut "80% Off!". I just can't help myself sometimes! What am I going to do??
Fiscal Liz:
You're going to up your 401K contributions and you're going to put a lid on this needless spending. You don't NEED anything else. Just stop spending money!
Shopping Liz:
You are so right. I'll start TODAY.
Are you picking up the check?
Fiscal Liz:
Yes... but get water.
Shopping Liz:
I want a divorce.
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3 comments:
Fiscal Killer was found dead last year, hanging in my closet. There was a crude suicide note, but I don't think the authorities are buying it.
I'm the prime suspect.
I bought a ougi board and am trying to get advice from Johnny Cochran.
Is Fiscal Killer, Serial Killer's brother? I bet Christmas is fun at your house.
I'm going to work hard at being more fiscally responsible this year too. I'm not a big shopper, but my money just oozes out of me anyway. I don't even have 50 packages of Charmin to show for it either.
Since shopping Liz is on the market, have her call me. I need new shopping buddies.
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