Saturday, September 10, 2005

S.E.Asia Final Log

Well my faithful followers, I have finally rejoined you all in the great U.S. of A. I arrived back in Mississippi on Monday and have been recovering from Jet lag and a general crappy feeling ever since. I have a job interview lined up in Memphis this week and should be back to work in no time. I spent to much money and destroyed many innocent brain cells while in SE Asia. I really recommend you go if you get the opportunity. I have enjoyed writing you all about our adventures and hope you found them informative and enlightening. I would continue them, but I fear that my regular lifestyle could not live up to the adventures regaled upon you from far away lands. They would probably go a little like this:
Hello, I woke up this afternoon and went to work. (if I could insert sound effects right now I would add some crickets chirping, some wind blowing, maybe even a quiet cough from the audience.) well, I then finished working, came home and went back to bed.
Not to thrilling. You will all have to wait until my next trip. Chad, Bam and myself have tentatively scheduled a journey into Africa for next summer.
So in order to end on a positive note I will recap the most important lessons learned on my trip:
1. Although only larger than average here in America, I am freakishly large in S.E. Asia, and they love to point that out. (I can say fat in 4 languages)
2. When in Bangkok if the tuk-tuk drivers ask you if you want "boom-boom" don't be frightened and think they are offering sex with themselves. More importantly NEVER agree to go see the "ping pong show" no matter how curious you become. It is worse than you can imagine.
3. If you are walking by a street food vendor and notice roaches, crickets, grasshoppers, scorpions, grubs or ants in the food, don't make a big deal about it. They are probably supposed to be there, and are apparently a good source of protein.
4. When going through customs of a third world country don't joke around and say, "these baggies full of heroin that I swallowed are making my stomach ache." They don't have much of a sense of humor, and you won't poop right for a week after a cavity search.
5. When eating with the locals don't try to impress the ladies by saying, "I'll have what she is having." See number 3.
6. Bring your own toilet paper. A lot of Asian bathrooms forgo toilet paper, but do offer a water hose next to the toilet. If you are not familiar with spraying your own butt with a hose you are either going to end up with a soaking wet back, or a 2 gallon cold water enema.
I hope all this information is useful in your everyday lives. If you decide to go to SE Asia let me know and I can probably offer up some even more useful nuggets of information.
Thank you all for listening,
traveler extraordinaire

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