Monday, January 30, 2006

NEWS FLASH: Hummus Terrorizes City

I woke up this evening with one hour before I had to be at work. I stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom where I showered, shaved, applied powder to any high chafe areas, and dressed for work. The only thing left was to get something to eat. I trudged into the kitchen and opened the fridge. This is a list of the contents: 1/2 pound of shaved ham, a half full container of what started out as hummus, but now more resembles a high school science project, one bottle of Pyramid India Pale Ale, a jar with one lonely dill pickle, and a motley collection of condiments and salad dressings. My cabinets had even less: four boxes of cereal, all half full, the oldest dating back six months, the youngest five weeks. What to eat? I opted for a handful of shaved ham and debated the pickle. I have issues with eating the last pickle. Fate had determine that compared to all the other pickles this one was the least appealing. It reminds me of the poor kid who no one wants to pick for their team in gym class. I decided to let this pathetic little pickle wallow in self pity a little longer. I can't throw out the hummus for fear of what might happen when it reaches room temperature in the garbage can. It will have to remain in the fridge until I happen to think of it the exact moment I am taking out the garbage. The hummus will probably be in there when I move, or it will finally achieve self awareness and manage to escape it's confines. I only have myself to blame for the meager food offerings in my kitchen. I was off for one night, but could not motivate myself to go to the grocery store. Now I am going to have to go when I get off work in the morning, or be forced to eat the other 1/4 pound of shaved ham tomorrow night, and rethink my last-pickle phobia. I could take my chances with the hummus. If I never blog again you will know I went for it. I love to live life on the edge.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Motherly love makes my psychiatrist rich

My mother, who often responds to my blogs anonymously due to a lack of computer skills, rather than fear of her identity being known, responded to my last entry with reference to a Christmas gift that is meant to help with my singularity. The gift in question, since fellow blogger Liz (see link to right) has expressed an interest, is a book. "The Game, Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick Up Artists" by Neil Strauss, was given to me on Christmas morn. It is a lovely book, leather bound with gold edging to the pages. It actually looks very much like a bible. I have only briefly glanced through it, since I do most of my reading at work, and the subject matter raises many eyebrows. It is not really a read-in-the-park book. Most females would probably have second thoughts about a guy reading a book on how to pick up women. Which brings me to think of a new list. What are the worst possible books to be reading while trying to pick up women. Below are my choices:
1. "The Game, Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists"
2. "How to Hypnotize a Woman in Five Easy Steps"
3. "Date Rape Drugs, The Misunderstood Ice Breaker"
4. "Life After Herpes, And Other Non-Curable STD's"
5. "Dianetics, by L. Ron Hubbard"
6. "Bitch Slap, The Pimps Guide to Controlling Your Women"

I personally own two of the above mentioned books. I have already mentioned number one. The other is left to your imagination.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Worst possible pick up lines

A discussion has begun with some work mates. What is the worst possible pick up line one could use on a stranger? Myself and my travel companion numero uno, Chad, have a personal favorite pick up line, "Hello, you are almost ugly enough to be willing to sleep with me." Although this line has not been successful as of yet, I am still sticking to my guns. Some of the top suggestions from the work discussion are listed below:
"Howdy, I am Michael and it burns when I pee."
"My court appointed psychologist says I am finally ready to be around females again, can you sign this paper saying I did not hit you?"
"Please ignore the rash on my neck...the weird thing is that yesterday it was only on my balls."
"I would like to ask you out, but not for dinner. You look like you would eat a lot, and money is tight since I am unemployed."
"I have a bet with my friends. They think you are a dude, but I said a trani would have better make up."

Please feel free to respond with any suggestions you might have. I am going to compile the best ones and field test them.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

"Oh, the lines." The Pinnacle of American Society.

I have spent the last few nights watching a great deal of late night infomercials. I have been at work, so my choices have been limited. My patient is in a coma, so he does not mind what we watch on TV. I really think the quality of products being schilled on late night TV has greatly declined in the last few months. Where are the ground breaking items of yesteryear? The George Foreman Grill with it's magical fat dispelling abilities, and don't forget the lines (Oh, the lines!). The Ab-Rocker was offering a nation of fatties a chance to join the ranks of the fit and beautiful, and for only four easy payments of $24.99. Jerry Springer was offering an uncut version of his life affirming TV show, giving the masses a chance to see redneck breasts in the comfort of their own homes. Now the George Foreman can be purchased at any Walmart and the Ab-Rocker, although not the fat buster I hoped for, can hold more dress shirts without wrinkling them than my closet. The important factor was that they offered dreams of a better life. A life where eating one pound of hamburger meat could be less guilt ridden since the fat was drained away by the magic of gravity, and the thought that for just 20 minutes a day, three days a week I to could have abs of steel. Lastly, if all else failed, I could rest assured that I was never going to have sex with my sister, strip naked, and fight for her honor. Atleast not on national Television.
The items offered up on infomercials now is sad and pathetic. Jack Lalanne is hawking juicers while wearing the same unflattering, one piece jump suits he wore in the fifties. Why would anyone want to make a drink out of the decrepit stock of vegetables found abandoned in the bottom of your fridge? If I ever decide to make a beverage out of two carrots, a banana, and what might, or might not, be a tomato than I am in no shape to be left alone with any electrical equipment needed to do so. The next item up for sale was the Shark Blaster. It is a special floor cleaner for hard wood, linoleum, or tile floors. It is an amazing device for people who are unable to understand the complex theories behind a mop and water. The most amazing item from this infomercial is the way they make it seem really, really hard to use common household items, brooms, mops, the swifter sweeper, a maid, etc.
I am afraid this might be it for America. I personally feel that late night infomercials are a gauge of the ingenuity and resourcefulness of our once great country. It is imperative for our national psyche that we keep reaching for the life we always dreamed of, but in a manner that does not make us miss important television shows, or sweat a lot like some third-world-country laborer. I imagine the Roman Empire met a similar demise. A civilization has to peak at some point. Rome made it all the way to Vomitoriums and socially acceptable public orgies before it's demise. The next great civilization will look back and see we made it all the way to the Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine. Which civilization was better? I feel that debate might be waged for centuries to come. Unless we get busy with our own socially acceptable public orgies I personally feel Rome has us beat.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Chuck Norris?!?

I have discovered what could possibly be the funniest thing I have ever found on the internet. I bow down to the people who created this website. It is a random "fact" generator. The subject is Chuck Norris. Every time you put in the address it gives you a random fact about Chuck Norris. Apparently they have done one for Vin Diesel as well. I have not taken the time to verify all these facts, but from what I do know about Mr. Norris, some could be true. Here is are examples of some of my favorite facts: "If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can not see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death." "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, to bad he has never cried."
Here is the link to the main site: but the best section is the top thirty (you can rate the fact in order to get to see a new one).
The link to the top thirty list is:
I found this list by a story in Yahoo news. They were discussing the website with Chuck Norris himself. He apparently finds it flattering and did not appear to deny any of the information provided. This leaves me to deduct that atleast most of it is true.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Sticking it to the man!

I was just emailing a friend and encouraging her to steal for me when an interesting thought arose. What are you willing to steal and from whom will you steal it from? I have personally worked at many hospitals around the country and have absconded with many supplies for upcoming backpacking trips. Usually small items such as dressings, tape and bandages. Is it morally reprehensible for me to do this?
This train of thought was set into motion while I was asking a friend of mine, who works for a Nissan plant in Mississippi, if she would sneak onto the production floor and steal me an ash tray for a Nissan Titan. I don't own a Nissan Titan, but I thought it would be a funny thing to ask someone to do. She works in an educational role at the plant and is pretty much granted access to all areas. I have another friend who worked for a paper supply company and he used to provide me and my family with cases of toilet paper, although very rough and unpleasant paper, but free non the less.
I would not walk into a grocery store and steal bandages or tape, and I am pretty positive my toilet paper supplier would not be willing to shoplift a crate of TP. So, is it knowing a company from the inside and believing they deserve, or could afford, the loss the motivator, or is it the lack of fear of reprisal that creates this level of comfort for theft? On a side note: my Nissan employed comrade would more than likely be willing to steal from Walmart owing to a underlying hatred and dislike of that particular corporation.
I imagine this could be a problem if you are a kleptomaniac. Your job could be in jeopardy if you stole uncontrollably. Apparently as a klepto there needs to be no rhyme or reason to the theft. I was traveling with a large group of people once and one was a kleptomaniac. We went into a small-town general store on one stop and the person in question spirited away with a can of dog food, though she had no dog, and a lint screen from a used dryer for sale in the back of the store. I was deeply perplexed by her choices and she could offer no explanation.
So, is it wrong to steal from your employer? Does it matter if the employer is a large, heartless corporation, or a small, mom-and-pop operation? Can I steal batteries from the hospital for my camera and still be able to sleep at night? Am I the reason healthcare is so ridiculously expensive in this country? These are the questions I need to answer.
I will let you know if I ever receive my ash tray from the middle console of a 2006 Nissan Titan, fresh from the factory floor, and if any of you need a brand new, unused enema bag let me know. I can get them for free.

Friday, January 06, 2006

HIPPA Violation?

I have previously mentioned my role in the healthcare industry, combine this with my eagerness to entertain and my ability to tell stories and you get many stories regaled upon family and friends. Tonight, however, a pinnacle has been reached. I have actually feared this happening before. You could even call it a phobia. I walked into my patients room tonight and he was engrossed in full blown masturbation. I am not sure if he noticed me or not. I immediately exited the room upon realization of what was occurring. Considering the vast majority of patients in our unit are extremely sick and comatose this gentleman appears to be recovering spendidly. Please understand, I would have knocked except these rooms don't have doors, just curtains. Curtains which are rarely closed. Don't get me wrong, I am no saint or prude. I just feel that some activities are not really suited for public locations. If the only thing separating yourself from a busy, person-filled hallway is a half closed curtain then all activities below the mason Dixon line should be limited to business related functions only.
I wish to offer up a helpful hint for all future hospital patients. When in the hospital, if you are connected to a heart monitor, do not engage in any sexual activities, neither with a partner nor self inflicted. Engaging in these activities can raise your heart rate and set of alarms and alerts bringing multiple staff members to your room to investigate. This will not only cause embarrassment to yourself, but can also be traumatizing to the unsuspecting staff. I may never be able to enjoy cocktail wienies ever again.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Blaze of Glory

Another year down, only 49.5 more years to go. I just used a life expectancy calculator to determine how much longer I have to put up with you people and it turns out I am supposed to live until I am 82.6. I have decided that I have had enough of the lot of you and am going to start smoking to quicken my demise. 82.6 years!?! I would not be so worried, but I work in the healthcare industry and I have seen how bad the later years can be. I would much rather die in a blaze of glory at 55 than live the last 10 years of my life wearing dirty adult diapers and constantly wondering if I already fed the cat, especially since I won't have a pet cat. I would really rather not catch some strange or painful disease so it will have to be a quick death. I don't really think suicide is the answer. Maybe just a little irresponsible living or a new hobby of base jumping or something along those lines. I think this life expectancy calculator is a bismal idea. I was much happier assuming I was heading to a heart attack around the mid to late fifties. I have been considering myself well into my midlife crisis already, and it turns out I am too early. What am I going to do in ten years when I really hit midlife. I don't really think I can top what I have already done. It is obvious now, however, that I need to have atleast one child by the time I am sixty. That way they are old enough to take care of me in the waning years of my life. I should probably have two just to hedge my bets. You never know how kids are going to react to aging adults. I don't want to have a ungrateful child who is just going to throw me into a nursing home at the first sign of trouble. I mean, that is my plan for my own parents. Just the other day my mother asked me to open a jar of pickles for her so I started calling around for pamphlets from nursing homes. I can't bear to watch them suffer.
If you want to calculate your own life expectancy I am going to include a link to the site, but you are forewarned. You may not want to know how long you are going to live. I am going to keep adding new bad habits until I get my life expectancy down to a reasonable 60 or lower.
I will keep you informed.