Celebrity Tales

No autographs, please. "Liz" is just too much to write:

I knew I was over it, this celebrity worship we're all victim to, the moment I cut off the TV. It was before the academy awards and through masterful flipping I came across Julia Roberts interviewing George Clooney. This should be good, right? Two sort of normal mega stars that are friends, sitting down for a chat? Plus I totally ((**heart**)) George Clooney. He's my absolute fav (maybe I'm not over it after all). I even paid to see Solaris TWICE. Now THAT is a fan.

After 4 minutes of the Julia/George interview, I had to turn that shit off. It was at that precise moment that I realized: I am sick of celebrities.

I tried to watch it. I studied his hair and noted how the gray has breached the black. Is that blond hue a rinse, George? I examined the background, gaining clues about the taste of Clooney's interior decorator. I was almost enjoying it too, looking at Mr. Man and trying to figure out if Julia Roberts has had plastic surgery or if she's just plastic, when George's phone rang and !surprise! IT WAS SPECIAL GUEST BRAD PITT!! While Brad was 'giving George the business' about being People's sexiest man alive, Julie was picking up magazines with George on the cover and pretending to speak from them. There were George mags every where. I listened as long as I could, and then I cut the tube off. Enough already!

I've "worked with" George Clooney before. My BFF and I are extras in Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? The Cohen Brothers directed that movie and I like the movie, so I don't mind telling you that I'm in it.

When filming, a scene that appears on the screen for 5 minutes can literally take 2 twelve-hour days to shoot. One of the scenes required me and a large group of extras to walk past Mr. Clooney. After the 5th or 6th set up, I thought I'd start trying to inch in a little closer to Hot Stuff. I was thinking about stealing a moment to invite him over to my place for fried chicken and mashed potatoes. I know what you're thinking, but you should also know that in my heart of hearts I sincerely believe that if I wrote Willie Nelson a letter, he'd let me come hang out with him at his place in Texas. I think the medical term is "delusional"?

Anyway, after the 12th or 13th set up, the humidity and heat had killed that desire and I simply wanted to brush against him so that I could say that I touched George Clooney, the rest is up to my... I mean YOUR... imagination. But, I guess I was a tad bit over zealous because instead of brushing gently against him, I gutted him, HARD, in the stomach.

That same pain that he must of felt, that lurching in the gut, the wave of nausea, the electric shooting fingers, was the same feeling I had while watching Julia Roberts giggle like a silly twat while Brad Pitt and George Clooney facetiously debated the rules of being the Sexiest Man Alive. I guess he owed me one and now, Mr. Clooney, with your perfect grin and sexy backside, we are even.

In other news, Angelia Jolie is adopting yet another foreign baby. I hope this is a good move. She's a celebrity. Odds are that eventually she will BREAK DOWN. Do we really want the United Nations going down in flames with her? Can't she collect something normal, like trading cards or antique cars? Her hobby of adopting children is quite perplexing to me and, admit it, weird. What is she doing? Laying the foundation for her own sweat shop? Geez. Give it a rest.


I could rant for hours about the pop princesses, anorexic starlets and pathetic heiresses out there, behaving irresponsibly and representing everything the rest of the World hates about the United States while milking the cash cow (us) for more of the almighty dollar. Hey, do you know what Paris Hilton got on her I.Q. test? Drool.

Finally, James Brown. WHEN? When will this guy be put in the ground? If there is any corpse I would hate to run into, it would be a fresh James Brown corpse but now... EWWWWWW. Keeping him on ice like this? Someone should definitely receive a verbal reprimand!

I'm committed to ending my celebrity obsessions. For those of you not quite ready to make the leap, I've got a great Teen Beat magazine with Michael J. Fox on the cover which will be on E-bay before the end of the week. Happy bidding!