Is it me?

Liz has to start wondering:

About a week ago I posted that I make men cry. This post was prompted by, well, having yet another unlikely candidate turn splotchy and start leaking from his face while talking to me. It happened again today.

I've started keeping Kleenex around me at all times. I'm serious. I have a pack in my car, on my desk, at my work station, in the upstairs room I use for training classes and I've added a mini pack to my purse. Apparently everywhere I go there is a man emergency. If I had smaller tits, I'd stuff a few in my bra for these encounters.

Today's tears happened before 8 this morning. I didn't even have a cup of coffee in me before noticing that he was looking at me. He walked toward me. He opened his mouth to speak. Immediately following, his eyes were filling up. We talked, he felt better, and when I saw him later we both acted like nothing happened.

Dear blog reader, I don't want to discourage you from pouring your heart out to me. I love that people feel I'm someone they can talk to. I would never tell you who and I probably wouldn't tell you why someone was breaking, so my focus isn't really on them right now but rather on me (where focus rightfully belongs).

I haven't cried in... well, it's been so long I can't remember. The last time I recall having anyone see me cry was when I was in the hospital with my then 4 year old God Child. She was waking from one of her first chemo treatments, still dazed by drugs, and started vomiting. Seeing that little body crumpled in the bed, watching her suffer, knowing what my BFF and her husband were facing, not knowing if she would survive, I cried.

She'll be 7 this summer. That was almost 3 years ago. I may have cried one time since. And I'll bet I was hammered when I did it. Laughing doesn't count. I cry from laughing a lot.

So here I am, stumbling through life, realizing that human emotion is a very powerful thing, for people with emotions. I'm not sure I'm one of you! I sometimes feel sadness, that's normal. I sometimes feel angry or happy or bored.. I'm not superhuman, so how come I don't cry enough? I think my body can make tears, they just don't come out of my face. It's like my metabolism.... I'm sure it exist, I just never see it.

When I think about how emotionless I can be, I feel so cold, so out of place. Like I'm lacking part of the recipe for humanity. And here's something weird, when people cry around me, it really doesn't make me uncomfortable. It's like I can totally understand what they're going through, I just don't have the capacity to go through things the same way. Most every time someone talks about having someone cry while talking to them, they talk about how uncomfortable it made them. Not me. I guess I'm used to it.

I'm afraid rumors are going to start. "Liz: The Cultivator of Sorrow." This is NOT the reputation I'm looking for. "Yeah. I know Liz. She makes communities of men cry." I mean, I'm averaging 2 dates a year. I don't need this added to my dating resume.

I wish I knew voodoo. I'd collect those tears (in a gallon jug, of course) and put them in a potion. Then I'd use that potion to build the perfect man; the love of my life.

A man that made me so happy, I'd cry.