My Trip to the Gyno

Liz spreads more than just the word:

I know that this is too much information, but it's what's on my mind today. Don't think less of me in the morning, ok?

The only good thing about going to the Gynecologist is that you get to miss work to do it. I don't know if I can accurately relate the abject humiliation that is a yearly physical. It's totally embarrassing yet women pay big bucks to have cold metal prodded inside of them of their own free will. My reason for continuing to go annually is that it's the only way to have my prescriptions, cleverly written for 11 months of refills, renewed. Those bastards. They have it all figured out.

I start worrying about 3 days before the visit. I have to make sure that everything is trim and tidy down there, least I leave the office with a reputation as a bushman. I also avoid foods high in cholesterol, since they test for that too, but that isn't nearly as important as making sure I'm shaved from toe to twat and that I'm pedicured. My yearly trip to the Gyno also means my yearly trip to the feminine hygiene aisle where I stock up on anything that may make the doctor's time down there more pleasant. I really shouldn't do this. Hell, they are getting paid a SHIT LOAD to spend 2 minutes prying me open and swabbing. If I were less courteous, I would totally not even change underwear or wipe my ass for 3 days. Make 'em earn it, ya know?

I am also very thoughtful in how I schedule my appointment. I like to go very early so that I'm fresh out of the shower. I will forever be like this. I once worked with a woman who wore those real thick and shiny pantyhose. We worked in a building that wasn't air conditioned and it was summer. She was melted and sweaty, standing at the bus line (we were teachers) and she said, "I've got to cut out of here. I have a OB/GYN appointment in 15 minutes." Holy fuck. That's just RUDE. Maybe those doctors do earn their money after all. I don't ever want to be that woman. Ever.

While watching The History of Sex, I learned that the vibrator was invented to cure women of hysteria and that women would go to the doctor (in droves) to have the hysteria procedure done. It used to be done by the doctor manually, but one guy became so tired that his hands were cramping so he invented a vibrating device to help him. Now THAT is good bedside manners. I might not hate going to the gyno so much if all the visits had happy endings.

I have had both male and female doctors. I prefer the females because, for some reason, it seems like they're in it because they like babies and not because they like pussy. This also causes me some guilt for choosing a female doctor. Every year I feel I disappoint her because I'm not pregnant. I like to think that she thinks, "Great. Just another vagina. No opportunities to be part of bringing life into the world. Ho Hum." Instead of what I imagine a male doctor thinking, which is, "Great! Another vagina! I see more muff than Brad Pitt ever will! Let me see how far I stick my fingers in THIS!" See? That's nasty, but it's what I'm thinking every time a male doctor says, "Spread a little more... a little more... tell me if this hurts." I always feel like I just gave it up to the dorkiest guy in college. It makes me feel so unclean.

The very worst part, aside from the nudity and body cavity invasion, is the breast exam. Oh my God. Take it easy on the girls! Do you really have to try to touch my spine while your feeling me up? Breast exams HURT. And this will only get worse the closer I get to 40- when mammograms become a must.

So anyway, I went to the gynecologist, got blood taken, my titties kneaded, and an extra long Q-Tip crammed from my oblong diamond to my lungs. How was your day?