How Inappropriate!

Liz (again):

Please don't miss Killer's post below. I'm feeling rather ambitious tonight, so I'm writing another post. Yes. It's 2 fer Wednesday! Don't forget to tip your waiters and bartender.

Just a quick thought:

I KNOW some inappropriate people. I worked with a woman who once discussed her teenage son's masturbation habits when our entire office went out to lunch. When I say discussed, I mean disgust. THAT is inappropriate office lunch conversation!

I, although I can be inappropriate, am usually just honest or providing a punch line. Because of this, sometimes people infer things that aren't correct about me. They sometimes take opportunities to say things to me that they would never say to others, even if they know them better than they know me.

In front of others conversations flow like:

ME: Hey, Jason, do you think if I brought my lap top to work you could see why it's running so slowly?

JASON: Sure. What kind of porn have you downloaded because I KNOW there's a ton of it on YOUR computer! (just shy of a high five, he looks at the other guy, who is giving me a "coooool" head nod and half smile).

This, of course, prompts me to say something like:

No, I quit watching porn once I saw that video your mom was in.

And we all laugh. Sort of.

Other examples:

ME: Hey boss, I'm not feeling very well and I'm thinking about going home.

BOSS: Ok. So was it last night's party that you're recovering from or do you have a party planned for tonight?

ME: No, I really don't feel well.

BOSS: Hangovers are a bitch.

Which, of course, prompts me to say something like:

Not as much of a bitch as I am when I have cramps. I'm going home.

And we both laugh. Sort of.

All of this is somewhat bewildering to me. I'm not outside of the normal range of "wild". Granted, I'm not at the buttoned-up, observing the speed limit end of "safe", but I'm also not standing on the street corner hooking, either. I do have MOMENTS of wildness, but they are usually alcohol-induced and therefore should be categorized as MOMENTS, not core behavior. Especially since I'm not at a bar or drunk when these comments are made and often the people making the comments have not frequently seen me in my wild moments, if seen those at all.

Comments like, "You're going out with Paul? I'll bet you're tearing his ass up!"

ME: Well, we've had A date, I wouldn't call that going out.

HIM: Yeah, but I'll bet you're still tearing his ass up!

Which prompts me to say something like:

I might tear his ass up if he shows up late again!

And he looks disappointed and says something like, "Damn it girl! You're a mess!"

Really? I'm a mess because of that?

A few days ago I was at a work going away party, on site, munching on cookies waiting for the goodbye video to start so that I could go home. There were about 200 people in the room. A woman, who I know but have never really socialized with, said, "I'll bet this is what your house looks like on the weekends."

ME: What? Like a giant conference room?

HER: NO! All these people, Party Girl!

Which, of course, prompts me to say something like:

Yeah. There are a lot of men coming and going.

And we both laugh. Sort of. And she mutters something (whore, I'm pretty sure) under her breath.

When people ask me about my weekend, they sometimes preface the question with something like

If you can talk about it, tell me how your weekend was.

I hate to disappoint them, but it's likely that I went over to my BFF's house Friday and played with her kids, maybe met some friends for cocktails Saturday, did a little school work and took care of laundry. When I tell them that, they likely respond with,

Yeah. You're giving me the G version. I know you had something goin' on. You're just protecting the innocent.

Which prompts me to respond

Yeah. You get the G version. I keep the G spot versions to myself.


I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining. I know that it's endearment, usually, that allows people to feel safe saying things that place me in the "dirty" light. And I, of course, can't help but play along. It's like I feel obligated to make sure they succeed with their "zing!". I sometimes feel like I'm a sitcom character. But I'm never faking, I'm just playing along.

It's interesting to me how you can somehow get a reputation as a party girl when you really don't do a lot of partying. There are people who aren't close friends but who do know me pretty well that think they can't keep up with me and will say such. This is funny. They think I'm out until 4 am every weekend, boozing it up and herding men in and out of my life. In reality, I'm at home with the cats watching a Monk marathon on USA.

And operating an at-home phone sex line for minors.

Is that inappropriate?