Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Neuticles

A close friend of mine is planning to send his young, innocent yellow lab under the knife. It appears the vet has recommended that it would be a good idea to remove his testicles. My friend had been fighting this outcome since the lab joined the family, but alas, it has come to an end and poor Duke is going to pay the ultimate price. If removing the testicles from a dog can help to calm it and keep it better controlled maybe we should be applying this principle to our own species. Instead of placing large numbers of children on Ritalin, and other anti-hyperactivity medications, maybe we should just have them spade or neutered. I mean, we are becoming ever increasingly over populated, plus this one time "fix" would be less expensive than years of prescription drug costs. Don't forget the benefit of taking away some income from the evil pharmaceutical companies. When little Johnny won't sit still in class and keeps getting D's on his report card just get his junk removed, and voila, problem solved. The same goes for adorable, sweet Sally. You can't have her going around in heat trying to hump anything that shows up. This is why teen pregnancy is rampant in our society. I am sure Bob Barker would be willing to join the cause. He seems infatuated with having the reproductive organs removed from animals. I personally believe this is the key to his youthful appearance. He is probably 138 years old by now, but he is still doing that TV show. I would not be surprised to find out he has been collecting all these discarded testicles and ovaries and making some kind of magical salve or something that he uses at night when he sleeps in a giant helium filled tank. Having children spade or neutered would not even be all that traumatic for them. It turns out my friend is going to go through with the de-balling of his beloved Duke because of the Ig Noble Prize winning invention, Neuticles. This is an ingenious creation of prosthetic testicles. My friend is going to pay for the replacement of real, free-of-charge testicles for prosthetic testes because he, "does not want to stare at an empty sack hanging from Duke". If this invention is provided for little boys who are neutered at a young age, then they need never know about the whole ordeal. When little Johnny is horrified about having to shower naked in front of the other boys in gym class you can rest assured it will not be due to his "empty sack". You could even do what my friend plans to do and upgrade those babies, and get your kid a really large set of balls. As for sweet Sally, she could not see her ovaries anyway, so no harm no foul.

2 comments:

Liz said...

All of your friends but me must suck. You even have a friend who's dog made your blog and he's not posting comments. I'm disappointed in the lack of rallying support for your creative venture!

I've decided that I'm going to become the nurse shark of bloggers- latching on and using other blogs as my own rant page. Unfortunately, other than lamenting on the lack of comments you have received, I really don't have any fresh rants to toss. I'll work on that. Christmas is right around the corner. I'll have something to bitch about soon.

Until then- I love you... even if, as is painfully obvious, no one else does.

Cathy said...

Fabulous idea! I am sure you could get Tom Cruise to be your spokesperson if you just point out the decreased use of prescription drugs. Who wouldn't want him as their representative?

Oh wait--everyone!