All In

Liz holds 'em:

Dear blog reader,

You will be happy to know that I came in second place at my most recent poker tournament. That means a cool $60. After taxes, I calculate that I made a $20 profit. Ok, it wasn't taxes, it was the fact that I lost the first game so badly, but I still came out on top to the tune of an almost full tank of gas.

Don't hate me because of my mad card skills.

I have noticed something about the guys I play cards with. They expect ME to be the entertainment but they also expect me to keep my humor between the lines and dispensed sparingly. Apparently I am not good at obliging their comedic restrictions.

I pissed a guy off so much by winning a hand that he wouldn't make eye contact with me. So, I commented on his new facial hair by calling him a bearded clam and inviting him to fuck off. But I said it in a really nice tone. I was kidding- honest! And although most of the guys took it as the trash talk it was intended to be, others scolded me for being so cold. I apologized, but not without making sure that I said it like this, "I'm sorry. I'll try to tone it down for you ladies."

Yikes. That met with more laughs than not, but only turned my black mark to a charcoal gray mark.

Then, a guy seated beside me burped incessantly. After about gas-plosion number 19, I asked, "Would you stop that? My god. You're as annoying as ball sweat!" Apparently men find this term VERY funny, as I guess they are the ones who truly appreciate the annoyance of sweaty balls; Not finding it so funny is the man you are comparing to ball sweat.

Looks of wounded sadness were now darting from both across the table and beside me. I felt sort of bad. Like I had played too rough and somebody got hurt. I'm really a very thoughtful and nice person- but it's a card game; the obligation to talk smack predates me by over 100 years!

Am I really that insulting? So offensive that they're going to make a poker rule that no women are allowed to play, even though I was the only woman (of 14 players) there?

Most poker nights ban women so that they CAN be bawdy. What if I get banned because I am TOO bawdy?

Is THIS my secret weapon? My power? Am I an insult ninja?

No.

I am THE insult ninja, bitches.