One Wedding Is Enough

"Always the bride's maid" writes:

Marriage scares the shit out of me. I'm such a commitment-phobe that 3rd dates scare me- much worse than first dates. After reading a post on Mick's Weird World, I was inspired. You see, our British chap Mick had to attend 3 weddings in one weekend. THREE! I simultaneously pitty Mick and applaud him for his fortitude.

Things I'd rather do than go to 3 weddings in one weekend:

• contract gout
• lose a beloved pet
• be forced to watch a weekend marathon of Matlock
• smoke non-menthol cigarettes
• have pink eye

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding that didn't cause me to shake like a wet Chiuaua. The most recent wedding I attended was my brother's, in February. A lovely affair. So beautiful with everything color-coordinated, gorgeous bride's maids, handsome groom's men, short and sweet ceremony. It was perfect! I thought I was going to vomit on my father, seated beside me.

The BEST wedding I ever attended was on the beach in Florida. I've been to two of those Pensacola weddings but one of them stands out for the sheer fact that, although billed as a wedding, it fell short at the last minute.

I had traveled 5 hours to the affair, borrowed a date (a married friend of mine- a story in itself!) and dropped a cool $60 on a gift. The couple had dated for 15 years, so the affair was small. Basically, the invitees were me and a bunch of gay men. I guess most straight people get disgusted by couples that date for 15 years. I approached the groom right before the big show and asked him if he was nervous. "Not really," he said. "Well, this is a big deal! You're about to be off the market, baby! Doesn't that cause ANY butterfiles to stir?" "Not really..."

I could tell by his lack of eye contact and somber expression that something was up. "What's up?" I asked. "Well... we decided Wednesday to make this more of a commitment ceremony than an actual wedding." After .5 seconds of pausing, I said, "What the FUCK are you talking about? A COMMITMENT ceremony?! I drove 5 hours to watch two people that have dated for 15 years make a commitment to each other?" "I know..." he said. Then the mother of the bride said, "Places!" and the music started.

I'm a little foggy on this one, but I'm 95% sure that the bride walked down to the beach while Kermit the Frog sang "It's Not Easy Being Green." I shit you not. Then the couple exchanged vows; vows they had written. His vows were soft and mumbled so I could not hear them. Her's, I heard nice and clear and I'll never forget them because they were familiar:

"Don't go changin'

to try and please me

you've never let me down before.

I couldn't love you

any better

I love you just the way you are."

Oh, it went on. She did the whole song, Just the Way You Are, by Billy Joel.

You know how sometimes you get the giggles and you just can't turn them off? There I was, standing on the beach at sunset with a borrowed date (who thank god has no clue who Billy Joel is) shaking uncontrolably with tears quickly building in my eyes. I had too much noise building inside of me to hold the laughter in, but I knew that blurtting out a loud "HAAAAAAAA" would be a major faux paux, so I mostly let out this intermitten hybrid cough-squeak. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone that I knew, so I sought out some of the gay guys to lock onto. BAD idea, as they are all smiles and sincere tears of JOY or SWEETNESS or LOVE or whatever emotion Just the Way You Are evokes in queers. I had to start thinking about sad things, and when that didn't work, I tried to imagine how awful a shark attack would be. Razor-sharp teeth piecing my flesh, being pulled under as my last breaths filled my lungs with salt water, veins being severed, my blood violently spilling into the water... it got me through it.

When I got the thank you card for the gift, she had written, "Even though you didn't travel very far for the wedding, we appreciate your coming and can't wait to use the lovely gift."

ONE DAY I will get married and I want to warn my friends now: Pay back is a BITCH.