Thursday, July 06, 2006

What not to do.

True Rant by Killer

In case you have not caught on, I am a nurse. I work in a area that specializes in traumatic injuries of all shapes and sizes. I have been exposed to all sorts of traumatic events that are usually a result of poor luck (being hit by a stray bullet), poor planning (not wearing a seat belt), and in a surprising amount of cases, pure stupidity.
The latter has reached a fever pitch recently when a gentleman was brought in after a bizarre incident. The young guy had been out enjoying a few alcoholic beverages, as many red blooded Americans frequently do, when it came the inevitable closing time at the bar. Having no reasonable way of reaching home, without inconveniencing himself, he hops in his motor vehicle and heads for the house. Throw in a uncomfortably hot and humid southern night and lack of an operating air conditioner in said motor vehicle and this young man does what any intelligent human being would do. He decides to travel homeward with his intoxicated head sticking out of the window of the moving vehicle, that he is driving.
Understandably there are parts of the story from here that are a little hazy. Either the vehicle, occupied by an intoxicated person with his head stuck out the window, left the roadway and entered a field with a tree, OR a tree, possibly occupied by a squirrel, left a field and entered the roadway.
The only part that is certain is that there was contact made between the occupant of the vehicle and the tree. I am not really certain about the physical or mental well being of any squirrels that might or might not have been in the tree, but I do know the condition of the operator of the vehicle. Maybe by an occurrence of poor luck, but definitely related to pure stupidity, the young man hit the tree with his face. I don't know if the vehicle made contact with the same tree or another tree, I just know that the guy came to the hospital with an excessively and amazingly broken face, and very little injury to the rest of his body. The only information garnered from the ambulance crew was, his head was out the window, and his face hit a tree.
Some of the information was offered up by his family upon their arrival. When informed of what we knew about his head being outside the vehicle as he was driving, they appeared completely unfazed by this bit of news, and only offered up this explanation, as if it was an understandable occurrence, "Well, his air conditioner didn't work good."
I am officially amending my list of recommendations I make to all my close friends, and readers of this blog.
1. Wear your damn seat belt while in a vehicle. (car wrecks)
2. Avoid Motorcycles like the plague. (motorcycle wrecks)
3. Don't grow up black and poor in America. (gun shot wounds)
4. Don't stick your head out the window of a moving vehicle, especially while driving. (face hits tree at sixty miles an hour.)


Liz said...

This malady has a name. It's "redneck". You see, redneck is a disease that one inherits. Sometimes it skips a generation and sometimes it even phases itself out, but it is a very real epidemic in our nation today. The President is a blue-blood redneck, so I fear that we're actually worse off now than we were in the late 80's.

The patient whose face met the tree is not to blame- he suffers from the disease. It's in his genes to do things like drive around with his head hanging out of his window. Wait a minute... Kim and I used to do that all the time, but it was usually the passenger hanging her head out of the window and seldom the driver. We called it windoggin' and we wore special windoggin' goggles when we did it. Oh yeah, we were also 17, not 37.

We don't windog any more and I haven't let out a good, long, gutteral rebel yell in at least 15 years. But I do still spit watermellon seeds and try to see how far they'll go. I also "turn it up" everytime Sweet Home Alabama comes on the radio. Sometimes you can outgrow redneck but if you're lucky, the best parts of it stay with you for life!

Liz said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mick C said...

However if you ignore Killer's advice, make sure you accesorise your impending doom by wearing something fashionable. Easy for humans, but as everyone knows a dog is a redneck's best friend, so what does your pooch wear when he's windoggin'?
Doggles of course! Buy your's here today: