Sunday, July 09, 2006

The Top 7

Liz gloats:

Because of vacation nothingness, I've had some time to sit at the computer and surf other blogs. They really, really suck for the most part. Killer turned me on to the "Next Blog" button at the top right of your screen. When you're through reading this prize-worthy post, you should check it out to see just how horrible other blogs are. You'll be a loyal Killer Rants! fan forever. Of course there are exceptions, like Mick's Weird World, The Company Bitch, and New York Hack, but all in all, other blogs are scary in their shittiness. I have found blogs dedicated to PIES (I'm serious), people's journey into weight loss, and one blog that was nothing but pictures of little robot toys (sounds cool, but isn't). Lots of blogs seem to have the "poor me" theme and appear to be written by people in our age group that are trying to cleverly bitch and moan. These blogs are more bitching and less clever than I can tolerate. Here's a quote from one, "9 out of 10 guys tell me I'm cute. The other 1 tells me that I'm too drunk to bother with." Why is this chick bitching? I WISH 9 out 10 men that I meet would tell ME that I'm cute. I get told that I'm cute by grandmothers, not men. See? THAT'S the clever angle; and, sadly, true.

New thought: When I was in junior college, I had an older friend who was a really cool woman. Now that I think about it, she was probably around the same age then that I am now- and I am depressed for having just referred to her as "older". Anyway, B and I did some paling around as she was single and interesting and I have always had friends that aren't necessarily traditional. One of the things that she told me is that she and her best friend had each come up with a list of the top 7 men they would sleep with if ever given the opportunity. It transcends time, so if you wanted "Mark Twain" on your list it did not make you a necrophiliac. I thought this was an interesting avenue to pursue, so I too rattled off a list. The list was ranked in order. 17 years later, I am mortified to recall some of the names on the list. I do not remember them all, but I do remember Eric Clapton and JFK. I also remember who I placed at number 1. This is hilarious to me.... get ready... I listed as NUMBER 1 Robert Plant from Led Zepplin! OH MY GOD. What an absolutely awful pick. I think this speaks to one moment in time. One moment when I had found Zepplin and thought there was no greater experience than listening to Stairway to Heaven over and over and over. I'm going to remember this proclamation the next time I feel like bitching about aging. I'm glad I've outgrown that lust. It's borderline repulsive. If Mr. Plant is reading this blog, it's nothing personal, Bobby, you're just one ugly motherfucker and, although I admire your vocals, you are not worthy of the number 1 status on my "Do Him" list.

I don't think Mr. Plant would be upset about this. After all, he is not a grandmother and, therefore, does not find me to be "cute".

I would post my new list for you now, but there is no list. I may have outgrown the silliness of this as I am somewhat prudent when it comes to lists. Also, I'm leary of having you throw "Bo Duke" back in my face 3 years from now when my list has changed. Who am I kidding? Bo Duke is a CONSTANT.




3 comments:

Killer said...

Bo Duke? I bet he would be a wham, bam, thank you mam kind of sex guy. Those country boys are more used to having sex with the sheep, so they don't put much stock in foreplay.
Now, Uncle Jessie, I bet he would know how to whoo the ladies. I imagine under those coveralls he has a tshirt offering a free mustache ride to all females.
Number one on my list...The Olsen Twins, but it would have to be both of them. I could squeeze them together and it would be like one girl. One really hot girl.

PaintingChef said...

Bo Duke is, without a DOUBT, a constant. Well said.

Jenny said...

Ha! I was recently reflecting on how badly I wanted Corey Haim (during his Lost Boys - Pre-heroin) era when I was 15. I recently watched Lost Boys again and realized that I must be a lesbian because dude looks like a lady something fierce.

I'd still do him though.