Monday, March 20, 2006

$8.00 for crappy beer! I've killed for less.

This report is brought to you by
His Majesty Killer of the Royal Common Wealth of Floyd

Holy Crap! I made it back from the Bahamas! I have a few things to say about the Bahama islands. First, and most important, don't go there. It was a fun trip, but I could have fun with Bam and his family if we sat in a basement somewhere in the Midwest, so the locale did not really effect that. The only thing really impacted by the location was my wallet. Apparently the Bahamas are made up of over 700 islands, anything at least one mile long is an island. 700 islands that do not produce shit. Everything you get in the Bahamas has to be imported, so they charge an outrageous amount of money for it. Plus, it is full of tourists, so they add a little, "screw you Yankee capitalist" tax onto everything. Save your money and go to Florida, or San Diego.
We met a few locals and Bahamians are pretty cool. One that we talked to a lot said she was planning to quit her job and join the Bahamian military. I was dumbfounded by this statement. What the hell does The Bahamas need a military for. Who would want to conquer 700 islands with no natural resources and who's number one industry is tourism. I imagine you could probably take control of about 685 of them before anyone notices, and squeak out at least 10 more before anyone cares. We actually took a day trip out to one small island, I think it met the bare minimum for island status. I was the biggest person around and managed to find a big stick, so I officially took control of the island. I named my island Floyd and immediately tried to have Bam deported, but he fell asleep in a hammock and would not leave. He does not know it yet, but I informed my immigration department not to let him back into Floyd, if he tries to come back. No one actually lives on Floyd so there is no one to pay taxes. According to my estimates it could be years before anyone realizes I control Floyd, but I know, and that is good enough for me.
On my return journey from the Bahamas my flight was delayed on the tarmac for over two hours. This resulted in me missing the connecting flight in Cincinnati. I learned some interesting facts during this time. One, the Cincinnati airport is not even in Cincinnati, it is in Erlanger, Kentucky. Two, you can be bumped out of your seat if someone else claims they have a "medical reason" to have it. I always book early to get a aisle seat. I am just too damn big to squeeze against the window on small planes. BUT, this old guy with a prosthetic leg claimed he had to have an aisle seat. SO, I got changed to the window and was not informed until I was on the plane. Plus, the guy was a total dick. I asked the stewardess if there was any other aisle seat I would appreciate moving. The one legged asshole started ranting about having a prosthesis and having to sit there, I never even said anything to him about his leg. I do believe he could have just pulled it off and stuck it in the over head compartment, then he could have sat anywhere. He did not look like any war veteran, so I am guessing he probably lost his leg due to uncontrolled diabetes or something along those lines, so it is his own fault. It was only an hour long flight, but I despised him for the whole hour. I know in a previous blog I mentioned my willingness to lose a leg, maybe this is karma showing me that to lose a leg makes you a jackass, but I think I could pull it off with a minimum of prickedness.
If you do decide to go against my recommendations and take a trip to the Bahamas feel free to swing by Floyd and stay awhile. Bring a tent, there are no hotels, and you might want to bring some food, water and electricity because Floyd is lacking in those as well. If you don't like it go get your own island, there are only 699 more to choose from.


Ray said...

Happy late Birthday?

Bam said...

As the first welfare recipient of Floyd, I must in good conscience,
protest his majesty's effort to have the sick,lame,and lazy deported
because I am a conservative. The FLCU (floyd civil liberties union) will act
on my behalf to ensure that an injunction is forthcoming.

Liz said...

Welcome home! Even though you said the Bahamas sucked, your underwater pictures make me want to go! Plus, I would love to have my own island. I think I'd name it Mo.

Bams logging in and commenting? You've made some progress!!!

Best for a great, itch-free day,

Charapa said...

I'm pretty sure you'd be grumpy as hell if you were missing a leg!!!!! (And I did get the reference to the previous blog)
As for Floy, sounds like my kind of place. I'm used to living w/out any kind of modern commodities.....So I think I'll head that way on my next vacation. Of course, if I get deported from the US, I might need ot get permanent residency.....