Monday, March 27, 2006

Hello, my name is Killer, and I am a myspace addict

Dangerous addictions come in many forms. The lucky ones are addicted to mainstream products like crack, nicotine, gambling, etc. These addictions are easy to spot and people love to point them out and feel very high and mighty because although they might gamble on occasion, sneak the rare cigarette, or once in a blue moon, give a blow job for crack, they are not an addict like you.
There are new forms of addiction that are socially acceptable right now. I say right now because often the change from acceptable to non-acceptable can happen suddenly and without warning. For example, baseball players used to enjoy a syringe of steroids to boost performance, but then one day it is bad and everyone is acting like they never did it, while pointing their suspiciously large and muscular fingers at each other. Another example would be if someone were to enjoy wearing assless chaps to work at the hospital and it was not considered unusual in a progressive city like San Francisco, but then moves to a more conservative community like Memphis and that kind of thing is frowned upon. Like I can afford to go out and buy all new scrubs without holes in the ass. Stupid, close-minded, hillbillies... I apologize for getting off subject.
A new and fast growing addiction has emerged involving the internet, I don't mean porn, so feel free to keep visiting www.farm-animal-lovin.com, I am speaking about www.myspace.com. I first became aware of this site at work when many of my coworkers would spend hours each night scouring myspace for old acquaintances, leaving cute messages, and looking at pictures. I was even coerced into setting up my own myspace account. It appears the goal of myspace is to acquire as many "friends" as possible. I think the person with the most gets a prize or something. I quickly found that I was only encouraged to join in order to bolster someone else's friend count. What first started out as feeling wanted and part of group quickly left me feeling empty and used, just like other addictions. I was eventually drawn into the frightening world of myspace and spent a few hours loading pictures and writing a clever bio for myself, never realizing the ugly truth. What starts out as an innocent hobby can rapidly become a terrifying and out of control addiction. Soon I was staying up for days at a time searching for people I might possibly know. I searched highschool alumni listings, college listings, jobs, bands, interests anything that might add to my friend list. I even checked everyone in my email address book. After all this searching I managed to cobble together twelve people, pathetic. Other people have hundreds, a few thousand, and all I can muster is twelve. I began contemplating robbing and stealing as a way to get sent to jail to make more friends. Friends that have a lot of free time to set up myspace accounts. That is when I realized I had a problem. I am now seeking out a treatment program, but it is surprisingly hard to come by. Apparently the rest of the world has not realized the dangers involved with myspace. I am avoiding any "twelve step" programs. Twelve is just too painful a number for me right now. I am forced to fight this terrible addiction head-on and alone. I am confident I can beat it. In the mean time I am setting out to educate others about the dangers involved with myspace usage. I personally have been myspace free for three days and counting. To learn more about it please check out my site at www.myspace.com/killerific. Oh, and while you are at it, feel free to set up your own myspace account (it's free) and add me to your friends list, twelve is such a lonely number. Crap, I am now myspace free for five minutes and counting.

6 comments:

Charapa said...

I really feel that I deserve some credit for this masterpiece of yours as I did inspire the idea!!!
I am also convinced that it is a terrible addiction. I have replaced smoking with a myspace addiction..... I feel your pain, as I only have 12 friends as well! I definetly feel like the unpopular kid!!!

Liz said...

Killer, I went to myspace and it makes me sort of uncomfortable. Please analyze.

Ashley said...

assless chaps???

Cathy said...

You can add one more to your list. Just consider me lucky #13. Please make sure to join my friend list as well, as currently my only friend is the Tom guy that I think everyone gets when they sign up. I will have some serious self esteem issues if this remains the case!

Killer said...

I am interested to know how many of you clicked on the farm animal lovin website link. You perverts.

the lisa said...

i love animals,..just not in that way. haha-funny about myspace,..is that twelve freinds with goog ole "tom"? he's my best freind