Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Blaze of Glory

Another year down, only 49.5 more years to go. I just used a life expectancy calculator to determine how much longer I have to put up with you people and it turns out I am supposed to live until I am 82.6. I have decided that I have had enough of the lot of you and am going to start smoking to quicken my demise. 82.6 years!?! I would not be so worried, but I work in the healthcare industry and I have seen how bad the later years can be. I would much rather die in a blaze of glory at 55 than live the last 10 years of my life wearing dirty adult diapers and constantly wondering if I already fed the cat, especially since I won't have a pet cat. I would really rather not catch some strange or painful disease so it will have to be a quick death. I don't really think suicide is the answer. Maybe just a little irresponsible living or a new hobby of base jumping or something along those lines. I think this life expectancy calculator is a bismal idea. I was much happier assuming I was heading to a heart attack around the mid to late fifties. I have been considering myself well into my midlife crisis already, and it turns out I am too early. What am I going to do in ten years when I really hit midlife. I don't really think I can top what I have already done. It is obvious now, however, that I need to have atleast one child by the time I am sixty. That way they are old enough to take care of me in the waning years of my life. I should probably have two just to hedge my bets. You never know how kids are going to react to aging adults. I don't want to have a ungrateful child who is just going to throw me into a nursing home at the first sign of trouble. I mean, that is my plan for my own parents. Just the other day my mother asked me to open a jar of pickles for her so I started calling around for pamphlets from nursing homes. I can't bear to watch them suffer.
If you want to calculate your own life expectancy I am going to include a link to the site, but you are forewarned. You may not want to know how long you are going to live. I am going to keep adding new bad habits until I get my life expectancy down to a reasonable 60 or lower.
I will keep you informed.


Anonymous said...

I will live to be 79.85 years old? I guess I'm just a fat happy bastard? I'd never beleived that I would live that long.(Maybe 60) Spoke with BAM yesterday. When are you going to start on your kids your know who will love that?

mom said...

If I had known a nursing home was looming I would have just smashed the fucking pickle jar open on the counter; you ungrateful little snot!!!!!! Love, MOM

Cathy said...

Frightening!! I am supposed to live 88.95 years. Obviously this program does not factor in being a procrastonater and not get the important things done. I figure that this lovely trait of mine should easily take 10 years off my life. (Let's hope!) Still, 79 sounds old, so count me in for the dangerous hobbies.

Killer said...

As you can see from my mother's response it appears a nursing home is looming. Anger, such as displayed here, could be an early sign of alzheimers.

Liz said...

I'm happy to report that smoking will only shave 3 years off my life! 3? Back when I started smoking, 17 years ago, the propoganda said you took 10 minutes off your life with every cigarette. I thought I was already living on borrowed time so this is great news.

I'm disappointed to report that the number of sexual partners I have had in the past 12 months have no adverse affect on my life expectancy. Apparently the more you're gettin', the more it's taking out of you. I think my lack of promiscuity added another 8 months to my life. That's sad. Now I need to go back and revist the depression meter.