Sunday, January 15, 2006

"Oh, the lines." The Pinnacle of American Society.

I have spent the last few nights watching a great deal of late night infomercials. I have been at work, so my choices have been limited. My patient is in a coma, so he does not mind what we watch on TV. I really think the quality of products being schilled on late night TV has greatly declined in the last few months. Where are the ground breaking items of yesteryear? The George Foreman Grill with it's magical fat dispelling abilities, and don't forget the lines (Oh, the lines!). The Ab-Rocker was offering a nation of fatties a chance to join the ranks of the fit and beautiful, and for only four easy payments of $24.99. Jerry Springer was offering an uncut version of his life affirming TV show, giving the masses a chance to see redneck breasts in the comfort of their own homes. Now the George Foreman can be purchased at any Walmart and the Ab-Rocker, although not the fat buster I hoped for, can hold more dress shirts without wrinkling them than my closet. The important factor was that they offered dreams of a better life. A life where eating one pound of hamburger meat could be less guilt ridden since the fat was drained away by the magic of gravity, and the thought that for just 20 minutes a day, three days a week I to could have abs of steel. Lastly, if all else failed, I could rest assured that I was never going to have sex with my sister, strip naked, and fight for her honor. Atleast not on national Television.
The items offered up on infomercials now is sad and pathetic. Jack Lalanne is hawking juicers while wearing the same unflattering, one piece jump suits he wore in the fifties. Why would anyone want to make a drink out of the decrepit stock of vegetables found abandoned in the bottom of your fridge? If I ever decide to make a beverage out of two carrots, a banana, and what might, or might not, be a tomato than I am in no shape to be left alone with any electrical equipment needed to do so. The next item up for sale was the Shark Blaster. It is a special floor cleaner for hard wood, linoleum, or tile floors. It is an amazing device for people who are unable to understand the complex theories behind a mop and water. The most amazing item from this infomercial is the way they make it seem really, really hard to use common household items, brooms, mops, the swifter sweeper, a maid, etc.
I am afraid this might be it for America. I personally feel that late night infomercials are a gauge of the ingenuity and resourcefulness of our once great country. It is imperative for our national psyche that we keep reaching for the life we always dreamed of, but in a manner that does not make us miss important television shows, or sweat a lot like some third-world-country laborer. I imagine the Roman Empire met a similar demise. A civilization has to peak at some point. Rome made it all the way to Vomitoriums and socially acceptable public orgies before it's demise. The next great civilization will look back and see we made it all the way to the Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine. Which civilization was better? I feel that debate might be waged for centuries to come. Unless we get busy with our own socially acceptable public orgies I personally feel Rome has us beat.


Anonymous said...

You need some rest my friend. go to sleep. This is really "Killer Rants". BLAH BLAH BLAH

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