Sunday, May 28, 2006

Balls of Meat Make Me Nervous

From the title you'd think it was Killer writing:

Well I've done it now. I've been talking up my homemade meatball subs for over a year to some friends and now the day has come for me to put my meat where their mouths are. (I'm already sorry for electing to put that sentence in writing.) You see, I do a pretty mean homemade meatball sub sandwich. I mean, it's always turned out really, really good... at least to me and to Kim, who happens to have the same tastes in her meatball subs as I do. But now I'm freaking out because in just a few hours I've got to concoct these "famous" meatball subs for a large crew of people- some of whom I work with and will surely have to see in the immediate future. I feel like I'm in the Pilsbury Bake-Off; my hands are sweaty, my stomach is churning, I'm worried about if the judges are going to like my presentation- it's too much pressure!!!

Here's the root of what is bothering me. Some of the guys coming over still eat like 8 year olds. They don't "do" vegetables. The KEY to my meatballs is the glorious ground onion and mushrooms that I lovingly fold into the ground chuck. The bell peppers add the color and flavor that make you want to slap your momma. The freshly minced garlic penetrates the sauces and takes you to a culinary happy place. I can't leave these things out and be true to my balls but if I add them I will surely not "meat" their expectations. This is like Sophie's Choice!

The one consolation is that they will be drinking. And, since tomorrow is an off day from work, I imagine they will be drinking a lot. Maybe the guys won't notice the chunks of veggies floating around in the sauce. Maybe the cheese I add to the meatballs, the sauce, and bake onto the bread will be enough to disguise the tastes from the garden. At least one of them hates mayonnaise (I know... what a freak!) which is another of my signature sub items... maybe I can actually alter the process and let him have a mayo-free sandwich.

Remember the Seinfeld where Kramer convinced Frank to cook again after his rancid meat fiasco in WWII? THIS is the pressure I'm feeling!

I've learned a lesson here that I hope you will benefit from. It's not the subs- they will be as they always are- it's the BRAGGING. I've actually read off "rules" to people before they've put the first bite in their mouths because I know the sandwiches are pretty darn good and I want to play it up. Rules like, "You will think you love me after you eat this sandwich. It is not me you love, it is the sub." "You will contemplate leaving your wife after tasting this sub. Do not. I do not want you." and "You will want a replay of this meal. Do not ask or you will be banned from the sub forever." I've done it in jest, but it's become like "a thing" and now I'm expected to satisfy this range of eaters? What if they say, "They were ok, but they can't touch what Subway does."? Can my ego survive this test?!

Sitting here typing away isn't getting the job done. These delicacies take about and hour and a half to put together and I like for them to simmer a minimum of 3 hours before serving, so I'd better get in the shower.

Looks like I'll be doing the Kroger strut today.


Killer said...

Huh Huh Huh, You said Balls, a lot.

How come I have never been exposed to your balls? I thought we were friends. I have shared my balls with you.

Liz said...

I just noticed your new tag line! Two scoops of Liz?! This isn't a reference to my breasts, is it? You perv.

CW3G said...

i want one