Thursday, May 11, 2006

The Book of Wookie

Reverently Rendered by Killer

Chewbacca is my hero. If you don't know who Chewbacca is then go straight to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. I try to live my life in a manner Chewie would approve of. When everyone around him was talking smack and fighting to be the boss, Chewie just sat back and let events take their course. He does not need other people to lord over in order to feel powerful. He had the confidence to know that he could crush everyone in the Millineum Falcon with one giant hairy fist. That was enough for him, and I can appreciate it. In my job I work with a lot of females. Now, I don't want to get you ladies out there in a feminine hormone induced frenzy, but you are difficult to work with, especially in large numbers. Women love to make every issue dramatic and over complicated. It is at these times that I look at my What Would Chewbacca Do bracelet, let out a soft, unintelligible moan and don't say a word. I just think to myself, "Oh yeah, I could squish you like a bug, but I won't."
Chewie is also my hero because he represents large hairy creatures every where, and he does it with pride. You won't see Chewie embarrassed to take his shirt off at the beach. Hell, he never even wears clothes, that is how comfortable he is with his luxurious body hair. I only wish I had the courage to walk around with nothing on but a bandoleer strapped across my chest. Feeling the breeze ripple through my back hair on a cool summer day would definitely be a liberating sensation.
Perhaps what I envy most about Chewbacca was everyone respected his decision to be a bachelor. You never saw Princess Leia or Han Solo trying to fix him up with other single mammals. They never commented on his age and the fact that he was still unattached. I guess they appreciated his desire to keep his options open. Sure he might hit on a hot chick dancing at Jabba's compound, but next week he might meet a sexy Ewok that sweeps him off his feet. A guy needs to be available whenever love comes a callin'.
I am going to set out to put together a collection of inspirational stories and quotes from my main man, Chewbacca. I will then start a small worship service out of a strip mall somewhere near the airport. We will gradually increase in number until we raise enough money to build a temple in the shape of the Millenium Falcon. We will meet a couple of days a week and roar like a collection of happy Wookies. It will be beautiful. It will be inspiring. It will be a guaranteed income boost to myself. L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology, once said, "The only real way to become famous is to start your own religion." It is apparent from Scientology and many other religions that they don't have to make sense in the beginning. You just have to stick to your guns until every one else believes you.
All hail Chewbacca, or I will squish you with my big hairy arms.


Liz said...

Maybe the reason that you are still single revolves around all the "Star Wars" references?

YOU KNOW I'M JOKING. I'd love to yell out, "Luke, I am your mother!" while being spanked with a light saber. I'm just busting your hairy mamalian balls a little, buddy!

My the force be with you...

Chris said...

The fact you are single does not suprise me. I TRY to set you up with single female mammals as I don't want to be the only source of Susan's constant naggin' to have a child. I want to pass the joy around!!!

Anonymous said...

I have tried to show him that I am interested. I feel that I am an attractive, fun girl and a nurse.... but I am also divorced with two kids, so I guess that is where my luck ended.... He is a sexy man, that's for sure...

Killer said...

Bizarre and cryptic that is actually how I like my women. Maybe the reason I am single is that I can not take a hint. You should either come out and say something, or keep leaving clues until I figure it out.
I am currently baffled as to who you are, and this is an old blog, so you are behind on your reading.