Saturday, April 22, 2006

9 Things I Need Help With

Liz admits:

There is a lot that I'm not good at doing. I'm not using Killer's blog to solicit volunteers to do any of these sundry tasks, I'm just looking for tips to get better in the areas where I fall short.

  1. I'm organized... but I'll be damned if I can get my CDs in order. I've got around 250 and no space in my house for a CD rack. I have a cabinet totally dedicated to CD storage, but all this means is that my discs are crammed in there- no order to the chaos- and when I have a pulling need for a little Beck, Al Green, or Neil Young I end up settling for Squirrel Nut Zippers or Jane's Addiction. Great tunes, but not what I was yearning for. Alphabetizing is for nerds, so I can't go that route. Plus that would take SO long. I just don't have the patience for alphabetizing.
  2. I give up easily. See above. I mean, I have really quit caring about a lot of things that I used to be tenacious about. Speaking of, I have a Tenacious D CD somewhere.
  3. I hold on to things that have sentimental value to me- even after they no longer hold sentimental value. I have notes from high school that I've saved. I'll bet I've got 70% of the notes that were passed to me during my senior year. WHY can't I part with these scraps of bullshit? A whole trunk, which could be used for CD storage, is cluttered with high school memorabilia like spirit ribbons and student newspapers. If I were Eudora Welty or Mr. T, these items might hold some historical record that was of some value, but currently I do not see legions of fans clamoring for a piece of my history.
  4. I need help understanding that not everyone is cool. I actually offended a guy recently when I called him "my bitch". When he confronted me about it, I called him a pussy.
  5. I need help installing sink fixtures in my bathroom. I know I could do this on my own, but I don't want to learn how. I guess that's really the issue. I think I've learned enough technical things to satisfy me. I don't really WANT to know how to change a flat or use the edger on my lawn. That's probably just lazy, because I still enjoy learning very much. Let me put it this way, if I'm ever attacked by a shark I know JUST what to do but if my pipes burst I'm going to have to call my dad to tell me how to shut the water off.
  6. It takes me 10 minutes to eat a piece of fried bream because I can't debone a fish. Yesterday we had a cookout and, luckily, I got one hunk of meat that didn't cause me to choke because a man at the table felt sorry for me and passed his fish fillet to me. It's annoying, I know! Helpless Liz- she's just too stupid to figure out how to eat a bream. Have you ever had tiny fish bones stuck in your teeth and throat simultaniously? I thought I was having my last supper. It's just not worth it!
  7. I need help understanding the value of being awake. I love life- let's milk it for all it's worth- but I'd rather be milking after I've had 10 or 11 solid hours of snooze time. Someone said, "Never sleep as long as you want to." Why the Hell not? Sometimes my hips ache because I've been in bed so long. That's the best worst feeling I know.
  8. Seriously, HELP! Why does our species love babies? They are scary and all they do is shit and cry. They're like a guy I once went out with that crapped 3 or 4 times a day. Everytime he'd get drunk he'd end up crying about something. Maybe frequent shitting stimulates the tear ducts.
  9. How can I become more limber? I have NEVER been stretchable. If I drop something and no one else is around to pick up, I sometimes stand there and evaluate how much I really, really need the dropped item. That's an exaggeration, I guess. But seriously, I'm very rigid. I took gymnastics as a kid. My parents still consider those recitals the funniest things they ever witnessed in their lives. And I can't dance either. Not at ALL.

    Just so you don't feel sorry for me and all I can't do, know this: Homemade meatball subs, color coordinating, and penmanship are talents. It's only a matter of time before one of these skills brings me the fame and fortune I so deserve.


Killer said...

You should organize your cd collection by color. Or alphabatize, but begin with H.

CW3G said...

Hello, welcome to 2006 - get an IPOD and you dont have to worry about organizing your CD's....also for #9 - try some YOGA - I have an Itsy Bitsy Yoga book and although it's for babies, I bet you could do some of it....

Killer said...

Interesting, we have an unknown entity. Honestly, the first time I read it I thought we had more spam. Like some add for Ipod.

Liz said...

I know who cw3g is. She's funny, and you have to read her "hello" as HELLLLLOOOOOOOOO....

She should also know better than to try and promote yoga to me!! :)