Thursday, April 20, 2006

Employment Opportunities Abound

We have been discussing gift ideas for a fellow employee who has worked here for the last 33 years. My only thought was to kidnap this poor person and drive them to a different job. 33 years at one occupation is terrifying to me, but 33 years at the same location, doing the same job, makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and whimper uncontrollably.
I don't like to buy dairy products because the expiration date is too much of a commitment. If I don't have a defined exit strategy from all jobs then I get nervous. I start to wonder, am I going to wake up ten years from now and still be doing this exact same thing?
This has brought me to begin considerations on my next career change. I need to have some fall back options in case my dream of joining the Olympic Curling team does not pan out, and since it is extremely hard to find a frozen pond or lake in the South, much less one with a curling rink on it, it is becoming less and less likely.
These are my current leading options including the pros and cons for each:

1. Male Stripper (because becoming a female stripper would require a bigger commitment)
Pros:
I should never have a lack of one dollar bills
I always knew I was born to dance
Frequent reaffirmation of how hot I am
Cons:
G strings get really tangled in my butt hair and hurt when coming off.
Being ogled and man-handled by crowds of horny women. (No wait, that's a pro)
Fear of being hired to strip for the Duke Lacrosse team (keep up with current events)

2. Long Haul Truck Driver
Pros:
No annoying co-workers to complain about blog not being funny
Getting to sit in one spot for eight hours at a stretch
Having a career that does not require bathing is a dream of mine
Cons:
No co-workers means no one to impress with my flatulence
High risk for hemorrhoids, and having to sit on hemorrhoids for eight hours at a stretch
I don't like Country/Western music, and I am pretty sure it is mandatory

3. Ice Cream Truck Operator
Pros:
All the ice cream you can eat.
Driving through neighborhoods, but not stopping so the children cry, is funny to me
Cons:
I am lactose intolerant
After one hour that song would make me kill myself

4. Homeless Person
Pros:
The ultimate no-bathing-required profession
Being drunk all the time is expected
Absolutely no experience needed
Cons:
Not a very good benefits package
Having to get to the park early to claim the good bench to sleep on
Pooping in public is not as easy as it sounds

All of these have good and bad qualities, so it is hard to choose. Feel free to make your own suggestions, and don't be afraid to choose one of these careers for yourself. Some would be a lot easier if I had a friend in the same profession. It always helps to have someone else to hold the dumpster lid open while you scavenge for old doughnuts outside of Krispy Kreme.

4 comments:

bam said...

How about internet blog writer?
Pros:
Not having to be that funny
No bathing required
Being drunk must be the norm (who else would come up with this stuff)
Cons:
Having Bam as a critic (he's tough and articulate)
Having to come up with fresh ideas (not that you have)
Always wondering who reads this shit

Killer said...

I am going to drive to Jackson and pummel your prostate. I am also going to sell Ray some naked pictures of your wife.

Liz said...

Killer pummeling Bam's prostate? Sounds like the good ole days...

RAY said...

Free pics HOW MUCH?