Saturday, April 15, 2006


Liz Barely Pieces Together:

I think the wisdom that you get from "age" and experience takes a toll on the rest of your intelligence. I'm getting dingy in new ways lately. When you combine this with my usual set of "stupid" I'm really starting to stack up an ample list of things I'm too dumb to do.

I've always been awful with directions (meaning that I have to start from home everywhere I go- which can make a day of errand running very laborious) and I'm mathtarded. This is not an exaggeration for comedic affect. I am pretty sure that I have a medical retardation when it comes to understanding mathematical concepts. Although these conditions may have prevented me from excelling in life they haven't really handicapped me. However lately I'm doing things that old people do right before they get shipped off to the home. I'm not really worried or anything- worry would mean that I had the where-with-all to understand cause and effect relationships. I don't really get those. Besides, they make me tired of thinking and they're no fun.

I am dumbing down at a shocking rate.

I have no idea what the date is and I cannot remember the date for longer than 15 seconds after it's told to me. I do know that it's April and I know that it's Saturday- but I only know that much because cartoons came on this morning. I also have stopped reading expiration dates on dairy products. This used to be a critical point in all grocery outings and refrigerator visits. Now... whatever. All I know is that if it's chunky, it's skunky. That's it. I have missed trash day at least 4 times in the past 90 days. I keep forgetting my login to my computer at work- and I've reverted to attempting to use the original login that I had almost 3 years ago. This hasn't been the correct login since 2003, yet I type it at least once a week. I forget to check my mail. I don't mean that I intentionally leave mail sitting in the box. It doesn't even cross my mind to get my mail. This means on the rare occasion that I think about it, the box is crammed full and every bill in there is DUE. It's like I'm living someone else's life...

There has to be some advantage to idiofying at warp speed like this. Maybe the opposite sex will find me more approachable now that I am obviously helpless. Maybe I'll be given the "easy" jobs at work. Maybe I'll make a whole new set of stupid friends and become one of those people I used to make fun of when I was smarter. I might even start liking songs like "Honky Tonk Badankadonk".

Who knows what the world of stupidity is holding for me?

I don't know how much longer I'll be able to remember how to navagate to this blog, so my entries may be even fewer and farther between. In the meantime, if you know how to stop me from turning into Homer Simpson, your advice (if I understand it) would be appreciated.

1 comment:

Cheney said...

I love the term “mathtarded”. It got me to thinking about the different tardations I’ve known. I actually came up with about 200 of them, but my inner critic was screaming, “enough’s enough dude”. My inner critic is “joketarded”.

People who like songs and movies too simple for their age are “arttarded”.
People who can’t manage their money are “cashtarded”.
People who can’t relate to the common man are “folktarded”.
People who don’t understand women are “girltarded” (I suffer from that one).
People who can’t tard more than once are “retarded”.
And my personal favourite, people who can’t play a six-string are “guitarded”.