The Alpha Male

Liz shoots 'roids as she writes:

I know a dude who is on the verge of being a muscular physical freak. He's not QUITE to that point yet, so he's actually pretty fine in his kakhis and tight cotton shirt. Plus, he's been blessed with the dark hair, blue eyes combo. Nice one, God.

Anyway, I was struck by this guy's obsession with his body. He actually came back to work from working out during lunch- fully dressed for business- with his gym towel draped over his neck. He wasn't going to his desk, either. He was just strutting around with this white towel hanging around his 28-inch neck. This reminded me of John Mitchell, a black guy I went to Jr. Hi with.

John had a brother named Willie AND another brother named Willie. I always found that funny. John was very heavy-handed with the Jeri Curl and kept a white towel draped around his neck too. During the hot months I couldn't make myself look at anything but John's eyes because I was so distracted by the dripping of his hair oil onto his grease cloth accessory. I hope John never took up smoking. Remember Michael Jackson and the Pepsi commercial fiasco?

The Alpha Male eats snacks like a dish of spaghetti. Notice I didn't say bowl or plate, I said dish. Even though he really is a handsome man, in peak physical condition, I see him as a grunting idiot. Am I hatin' on this man because he's beautiful? Does that make me a snob? Don't steroids make a man's penis shrink?

I have known and been friends with a few physically ideal men in my time. Always liked 'em. Never held it against them that they were hotties. As I've aged, my perspective about what is attractive has changed I guess. Living with a man that worked out all the time would mean excessive laundry to wash. Who the fuck needs THAT? I'm looking for a man who will wear the same shirt for 3 days before he throws it in the basket. I respect a guy that takes 15 minutes to get ready; not one that is competing with me for the mirror, hairspray, and tanning cream. I also think that men with perfectly formed eyebrows are scary. Yes, control your unibrow, but if you're a man that is going to a salon and getting your eyebrows shaped, you are way too into you. Same goes for chest and leg shavers. I don't care if you're a swimmer or a cyclist, it's still a little too gay. Hell, I hardly shave my legs. I don't need a man showing me up in this arena!

I guess the question of the night is "When does perfection become less than perfect?" It's like vanilla in a cake- one drop too much ruins a wonderful thing. The other question I pose is "Is this an age thing, or a woman thing?' After all, I don't know any man that would criticize a single thing about a physically perfect woman. I will make an exception for gay men. I have a friend who likes his guys overweight and balding. Far from what society sees as the ideal. But you stick a really, really pretty woman in front of him and the first thing he'll say is, "Look at that skany bitch."

I love him.