Friday, September 22, 2006

Never trust a drunk, or his mother

Nursing moments, presented by Killer

When a patient enters the hospital you have to gain certain information for his or her care. It needs to be known if the person is allergic to any medications or foods, does the person take any medications, Or does the person drink alcohol on a regular basis or do drugs. It has developed as a rule of thumb that EVERYONE either lies about their consumption of alcohol or drugs, or at the least cuts it by 50%. When asking a family member, they ALWAYS lie, because they don't want to rat out their loved one.

Excerpt from a conversation with the mother of a 34 year old new admission, the patient is asleep after surgery to remove a ruptured spleen after hitting a tree with his car.

Me: Is your son allergic to any medicines?
Maw: No, I don't think he is...Can you test him to be sure?
Me: Not really, but we will keep a close eye on him.
Maw: He never even takes an aspirin. (everyone loves to say this for some reason)
Me: Okay, does he smoke?
Maw: Occasionally.
Me: Does he smoke everyday?
Maw: Yes.
Me: Do you know how much?
Maw: I think it is about two packs a day. (that is 40 cigarettes a day! Occasional my ass!)
Me: Does he drink alcohol?
Maw: No.
Me: I am not judging your son, but I need to know if he drinks for his own well being.
Maw: I think he might drink a little bit.
Me: Does he drink everyday?
Maw: Yes
Me: Do you know how much?
Maw: He drinks about a case of beer. (I think, TWO cases)
Me: Everyday?
Maw: Yes, and he occasionally will drink a pint of whiskey. (I think, TWO pints, actually at this point I think, man if this lady is cutting everything in half, this dude might be pickled)
Me: Everyday?
Maw: Yes, but he still goes to work everyday, and hardly ever gets in to trouble.
Me: That is good. Does he do any recreational or illegal drugs?
Maw: He might smoke some marijuana occasionally. (like 40 cigarettes a day occasional?)

(On a side note: At this point I am wondering if this guy ever sleeps. Without doubling the alcohol he would need to smoke a cigarette every thirty minutes, drink a beer every hour, and do a shot of whiskey every two. Where is he finding time to smoke pot? This guy is a master of time management.)

Me: Everyday?
Maw: We smoke marijuana pretty much everyday. (Did she just say, "We"?)
Me: Okay, does he take any medications on a regular basis?
Maw: I been meaning to ask, did he have any marijuana with him in the wreck?
Me: I don't know. They pretty much have nothing on them when they reach me. No clothes, no belongings, nothing.
Maw: Cause, I want that back if he had that on him.
Me: I think they destroy any illegal narcotics that come in.
Maw: (Visibly annoyed by now) Well, somebody will have to pay for that then.
Me: I don't know if there was any or not. Let's finish with these questions and then I can make some phone calls to see what I can find.
Maw: I mean, it is not right to just destroy marijuana, that is like burning money.
Me: I understand. Does your son take any medications at home?
Maw: Do you think the marijuana might still be in his car?
Me: I wouldn't have any way of knowing that kind of information. Does your son take any medicines, that you know of?
Maw: Do you know where they take the cars after wrecks?
Me: Not even a tiny idea?
Maw: Can you find out? I really want to look in the car.
Me: I would not even know where to ask about that. DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR SON TAKES ANY MEDICINES?
Maw: I already told you he does not even take aspirin. He might have hidden the pot somewhere after the wreck. Do you know exactly where he wrecked?
Me: No, I really have no idea.
Maw: I better go home and check his room. Maybe he left some there.
Me: Good idea.


Joey said...

Is this guy's name confidential? It sounds like he and Maw would be fun to hang out with.

othur-me said...

That's similar to how it went when I had my transplant. My mom can PARTY!

Liz said...

I thought only crystal meth could make you so Jerry Springer. Interesting. Do you think it was paranoya from all that pot smoking?

chad said...

hey liz, sounds like this guy and his maw need to be introduced to your hairdresser. that's rendezvous i wouldn't want to miss