Thursday, September 07, 2006

Riding the Short Bus to Hell

Aired by Michael

I was reading a blog on another's website, you can find the link on the right, but it is up to you to figure out which one, and they had posted a list of reasons why you should hate them. I like this. It seems cathartic, and could actually be used as a disclaimer for later moments in life. A few years from now when I inadvertently alienate myself from one or all of my friends, I can say, "Hey, I clearly listed this was a reason to dislike me years ago. It is your fault for not reading the fine print. I am sorry, but you will not be able to stop being my friend at this time. By the way, can I borrow $100?" I firmly believe that given an infinite time line, everyone will eventually realize I am an ass.

1. Probably the most socially unacceptable reason. I make fun of the physically and mentally handicapped. I do feel bad about this, but I am literally unable to help myself. Ironically, this might be seen as a mental disability, and that, in turn, makes me laugh.

2. With the exception of a few of my closest friends, I would prefer to sit at the bar alone and drink, rather than drink with them. The problem with this trait is, I don't really feel this way until after the first thirty minutes or so, after it is too late to just walk away and sit at the bar. Believe me, more than once, I have been stuck staring at the bar in a forelorn manner. As a side note, if you have any doubt about your status in this area, it is probably not good for you.

3. I not only prefer to sleep naked, but I really enjoy just lounging around the house naked as well. I have included this one because a few of my closer friends have been privy to me getting more and more comfortable around them, and therefore, less and less clothed. It is only a matter of time before I just come strolling into the room completely naked, and this really could end a friendship. I mean, I am NOT an attractive naked person.

4. When I win the lottery I will not be providing any loans or hand outs to you people. I have already mapped out several spending plans specifically based on the amount I eventually win. None include supporting a bunch of free loading ingrates.

5. I am very proud of my ability to produce flatulence. I expect my friends to be both impressed and in awe of this talent. Some (Liz) claim to not enjoy it, but deep down I know they do. In fact, I am going to do it more around those people until they admit how much they love it.

There are probably a whole lot more, but these are the only ones I am able to discuss openly. My therapist thinks these are a pretty impressive break through. I reserve the right to add more at a later date. You can actually feel free to post any grievances you might have. I must warn you, however the list of people I would rather not drink with is by no means set in stone, nor is the list for increased flatulence.

12 comments:

Ray Ray said...

I love when you fart @ home because it takes me out of the lime light. (You have great smell content, but need to work on the sound) I'm ok with you not wearing any clothes aswell. It may bug some folks but not me. I love my B-day suit.

BAM said...

It has become obivious to me that I am one of the friends that you love to drink with because you sleep naked with me. Now about the farting, I'm not as found of it as I make it seem. I only pretent so you will continue to sleep naked!!!

Red said...

Those are 5 good ones, but I have 20. I'm clearly infinitely more hateable than you.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're proud of your flatulence. You should be. It should boost your pride even more to know that your farts were the topic of a 10 minute conversation Friday night. Everyone seemed to agree though, your sound needs a little improvement but the smell you've got down solid. Well, not SOLID...

Killer said...

For anyone to say my sound needs work does not truly know my fart potential. I am often complimented on my incredible audible abilities.
Killer

Anonymous said...

I know it is a shot to your ego but, as with anything, there is room for improvement. You may want to add more legumes to your diet. I find butterbeans are a good amplifying source and they taste good too. Can't go wrong with flicking a few of these beans in your mouth!

Anonymous said...

Hey - this is Kim "Butterbean" Elliott. Do you HAVE to have a username and password to leave a comment with your name attached? I just don't think my brain has room for another one. I have the same few I use over and over again but to get the combination correct, I usually take up more than three tries and then have to create a new one. That's one of the main reasons I don't post comments. THat and I don't read your piece of shit blog much.

Kim said...

I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. Duhhh.... Killer, will you sit with me on the short bus?

othur-me said...

Testicles and farts are very popular around here. Liz might want to consider these topics for her posts, as well.

Kim said...

Liz is an old pro with flatulence, as well as testicles. Her experience is way beyond that of any of us - with or without balls. That is why we discuss it so much, to reach her perfection. There is no need for her to even mention it. She has the sound, smell, and longevity down with her flatulence. She can clear a room in a matter of seconds. With testicles, she can perform the bat, the goat, the chicken wing, hamburger with perfection- no matter whose balls she holds. I, being ball-less and with much less flatulence, can only dream of life as Liz lives it.

othur-me said...

" ...life as Liz lives it."

I can't even READ that without lisping.

Liz said...

The last time I checked, there were TWO comments on this post. I see it has degenerated.

I must insist that "my" balls as well as my infrequent yet aromatic flatulance be respected. Please stop talking about nut sacks and farting. Please?