Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Viva La Botswana!

I love moo cows, by Killer

I have a special calendar on my computer that informs me of important holidays around the world. "Why," you ask? Because I had this elaborate scheme a few years back of throwing a theme party involving the holidays of foreign countries. Why should Cinco De Mayo be the only day I can drink Mexican beer and wear a sombrero without people thinking I am a jackass? Like all great ideas it went no where. But now I have a calendar that won't stop telling me that it is independence day in some third world country. I did not realize how many countries were so fond of their "freedom", and how many had to wrestle it away from England.

September 30th is independence day for Botswana. They won their independence in 1966 from those dicks in England. (No offense Mick) Usually I ignore the calendar with indifference for the struggles of these small, non-oil producing countries (I am an American!), but for some reason I decided to do some research on Botswana.

First I went to Wikipedia, which is the greatest invention since the hole in front of men's underwear, and looked up Botswana. There I learned their date of independence from England and that one of the greatest movies ever was filmed there, "The God's Must Be Crazy". This movie is the single most influential reason that I think all African languages are consisting of various clicks of the tongue. Sadly most are not, and Africans don't like it when you imitate them that way. A lot of other important things probably happened in Botswana in the past thousand years or so, but nothing I found exciting enough to read about.

Next I went to the the Botswana web site, The first thing I noticed was that they have zebras on their seal. That is awesome. I love Zebras. They also have a picture of a modern looking building with a couple of giraffes strolling by. Holy shit! They have giraffes just walking around the cities? I decided, I have to go to Botswana!

On the very front page of their website they had a link to government job listings. I am willing to work for the government. I clicked on the link, but it only had one job listing. It sounded pretty complex at first, Principal Agricultural Research Officer II, but they broke it down in parenthesis (breeder beef cattle). What? I can do that! Breeding cows? That can not be all that hard. All you need is a boy cow, a girl cow, some Barry White music, a whole lot of KY, and if absolutely necessary, a little cow porn. I have pretty much all of those things, except the cows, at my apartment right now. I was made for this job.

My dreams were dashed when I found the job requirements. A BS in Animal Science, a MS in Animal Breeding, and preferably a PhD to boot. Who needs a Masters in Animal breeding? The animals do all the work. All you have to know is not to let the cow bang the pig, and easy stuff like that. This is one more example of "the Man" trying to keep me from reaching my dreams.
I was worried about this set back until I remembered that I am a bad ass with Photo Shop. I can put together a couple of advanced Animal breeding degrees, and if I cut and splice my cow porn I could probably put together some live action shots to back it up.

I think I am going to give this a shot. Any place with zebras, giraffes, and horny cows has got to be great.


chad said...

count me in for the trip to botswana! and, given your newfound love of zebras, perhaps there'll be a few more on the way, if luck plays out, that is.

othur-me said...

I can see it now:

Killer: Why yes Director Mmopi, that is a video of me getting two cows to do it doggy style. Isn't that ironic? Dontcha think?

Also, here is a copy of my degree.

What? You didn't know MIT stood for Mississippi Institue of Technogy (and Cows)?

Heather said...

My face and abds hurt from laughing so hard at this. You should have gone to Mississippi State rather than Ole Piss. Maybe you would be more qualified.