Saturday, September 23, 2006

Wonder Twin Powers Activate!

Killer, glad to not have a twin.

Two work companions were looking at baby pictures recently and one said, "They are so cute, but twins are always cute." I don't know if this is true, but the opposite would be disastrous.

It is bad enough if you have to go through life ugly, but it would be unbearable if you were ugly and had a twin. No denial is possible. You can't always look at yourself in the mirror only from the right to see your best side. You are stuck looking at a walking, talking version of you. You know without a doubt that your ass is flat, you look like a cow when you chew, and when you look down, you have not only two chins, but sometimes three or four. You thought the best way to spice up your mullet was to get the back permed, but now that you can see it from behind, not so good.

Really ugly twins are also detrimental to the rest of the world. Say I am strolling down a busy urban street, surrounded by people scurrying to and fro, when I glance to the left and see, an extremely ugly person walking towards me. I immediately take evasive action and look right to avoid seeing that, and Wham! There it is again! Now, having seen it twice in such quick succession it is burned into the back of my retinas, like staring too long at a solar eclipse. Now I am clawing at my eyes frantically trying to dispel the image and I stumble into the path of the crosstown express bus.

Maybe the rarity of really ugly twins is the result of decades of medical intervention at birth. When twins are born the medical team quickly assesses the situation and if a high potential for aesthetic disaster is noted they are separated at birth. One may stay with the family, but the other might get sent to a special orphanage to begin preparations for a job operating the ferris wheel for a traveling carnival. That is just a theory and is not, as of yet, proven. The next time you are at a carnival check out that guy running the ferris wheel. See what you think.

5 comments:

Kim said...

What if we all have ugly twins and just can't see them? Nevermind. That doesn't make any sense. I'm going nowhere with this. Hey, great post, Killer!! By the way, does anyone besides me want to type the word "handicapped" in the Word Verification box?

Killer said...

If you click on the little handicap sign next to the verification box I it is supposed to "say" the letters for you. I think this is for illiterate people, or maybe blind people. Neither of which would be very good at typing constructive comments, so I think they should be discriminated against.

Red said...

Wow. I never knew that cocoa pebbles were small enough to come out my nose. Note that the ones that have been in the milk longer don't cause near as much discomfort.

Red said...

It'd be funny if you had a twin and you were all cuted up for some event, and then your twin came in slumming it with craptastic hair and sweats, and you'd be all, "Don't look at that! I don't look like that when I wake up! I always look like THIS!" I KNOW if I had a twin that would always happen. Or I'd be the ghetto twin, who am I kidding?

Kim said...

I'd be the twin to leave a stink bomb and then pretend to be my sister.