Riding the Short Bus to Hell

Aired by Michael

I was reading a blog on another's website, you can find the link on the right, but it is up to you to figure out which one, and they had posted a list of reasons why you should hate them. I like this. It seems cathartic, and could actually be used as a disclaimer for later moments in life. A few years from now when I inadvertently alienate myself from one or all of my friends, I can say, "Hey, I clearly listed this was a reason to dislike me years ago. It is your fault for not reading the fine print. I am sorry, but you will not be able to stop being my friend at this time. By the way, can I borrow $100?" I firmly believe that given an infinite time line, everyone will eventually realize I am an ass.

1. Probably the most socially unacceptable reason. I make fun of the physically and mentally handicapped. I do feel bad about this, but I am literally unable to help myself. Ironically, this might be seen as a mental disability, and that, in turn, makes me laugh.

2. With the exception of a few of my closest friends, I would prefer to sit at the bar alone and drink, rather than drink with them. The problem with this trait is, I don't really feel this way until after the first thirty minutes or so, after it is too late to just walk away and sit at the bar. Believe me, more than once, I have been stuck staring at the bar in a forelorn manner. As a side note, if you have any doubt about your status in this area, it is probably not good for you.

3. I not only prefer to sleep naked, but I really enjoy just lounging around the house naked as well. I have included this one because a few of my closer friends have been privy to me getting more and more comfortable around them, and therefore, less and less clothed. It is only a matter of time before I just come strolling into the room completely naked, and this really could end a friendship. I mean, I am NOT an attractive naked person.

4. When I win the lottery I will not be providing any loans or hand outs to you people. I have already mapped out several spending plans specifically based on the amount I eventually win. None include supporting a bunch of free loading ingrates.

5. I am very proud of my ability to produce flatulence. I expect my friends to be both impressed and in awe of this talent. Some (Liz) claim to not enjoy it, but deep down I know they do. In fact, I am going to do it more around those people until they admit how much they love it.

There are probably a whole lot more, but these are the only ones I am able to discuss openly. My therapist thinks these are a pretty impressive break through. I reserve the right to add more at a later date. You can actually feel free to post any grievances you might have. I must warn you, however the list of people I would rather not drink with is by no means set in stone, nor is the list for increased flatulence.