Sunday, February 19, 2006

My Ass Vs. Cigarette Smoke (A lose/lose situation)

It is a popular belief in my family that I don't bathe as often as most people in our country. I don't mind this label since it is probably true. I don't share the compulsive urge to take a bath or shower everyday. Hell, if I am off work I can go several days without even thinking about washing off. I don't feel this makes me unclean or nasty, but if I tell other people about this they act like I just shit in my pants. When I lived in Montana with Chad, my frequent travel partner, we would have competitions to see who could go the longest without taking a shower. Chad often won these bouts since I would eventually have to clean up to go to the hospital. Chad worked as a bartender and there are no expectations of cleanliness in Montana bars. I am not sure where Americans developed their infatuation with being clean. Many European cultures see our bathing daily as obsessive, however they do tend to stink, hence mine and Chad's popular phrase, "dude, you are smelling pretty European right now." I keep close check of my personal body odors and will make adjustments as needed in the case of possible offensive smells.
My entire system is thrown out of sorts now that I am living in the South again. I have spent several years living throughout California, which has a progressive stance against second hand smoke. This includes, to my delight, the illegality of smoking inside public buildings. So, smoking in bars and restaurants is not allowed. I have a hearty appetite and an even larger desire to get my drink on, so I frequent many local drinking and eating establishments. Although many states have passed laws outlawing smoking in bars and restaurants, Tennessee is not one of them. That means when I come home from enjoying a few drinks in a bar I smell like an ashtray. I have a few friends who smoke and I have even fewer friends who actually read this blog, so I stand to offend about a fourth of my readership, but damn cigarette smoke stinks, and I am tired of my clothes and abundant body hair soaking up the offensive odor of other peoples bad habits. I have a bad habit of flatulence. I am sure that it would be widely viewed as impolite of me to expel so much flatulence in a closed space as to make everyone in that space smell like my ass.
Now due to this smoke-tastic smell I have obtained, through no fault of my own. I have to take a shower. This might not sound so terrible to many of you, but I took a shower a couple of days ago and I was hoping to hold off until I had to go back to work. It is the small pleasures in life that really matter, and mine just happen to include the freedom of not having to wash myself very often.
I am not actually expecting any empathy from many of you, but a little sympathy might help. It helps that the shower masks my tears caused by having to bathe on a non work day.

6 comments:

RAY said...

I am very sorry that I keep asking you if you have had a bath. I would like to see you hook up. Body oder could be a big down fall. FYI I don't wear deodrant but I've got a wife. Not that she approves but she deals with it.

chris said...

I do ask Ray on a regular basis if he has bothered to open the seal on the stick of Old Spice ANTI-stink stuff that I buy him. Unlucky for me he usually has not.

But, he did not smell like ass before I married him. He does seem to think that he does not need to wear it now. Soooooo Killer, you are just letting some poor woman know now that you may smell on a regular basis....

Liz said...

As the "1" in the 1/4 of your readership that smokes, I am glad that I can do something that offends you. I've been trying for years to find some line to cross. Thank God-I can die happy now, you stinky bastard.

mom said...

help!!!Liz' link fell off your links list!!Are you banning her? Trying to keep the ole family connection from her???? We CAN'T GO ON without LIZ' blog!!!! Liz, by the way, Josh(bones) smokes like a freight train. He even has to get up in the middle of the day to smoke,(yes, he's a vampire like the rest of us) It could really be a match made in heaven; he loves older women. Think about it!

RAY said...

Shit!!! Your mom never stops with this. She will do anything for grandchildren. BAM said to tell you HI. Told him about liz and your blog. He said it probably about huggin trees and smokin dope?

chris said...

Anyway, I was ranting yesterday about Ray & not smelling. I think that since there is a smoking & non-smoking areas, there should be child & child free areas. I realize that people insist on taking the curtain crawlers with them in public. But MUST I be forced to watch little Johnny throw his supper on the floor, rearrange the sugar holder. Throw a fit or talk with his mouth full.

So compared to children, I might want the smoke. But I probably would like to have neither.