Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Why Everyone Except Me Sucks

I have just spent the last four days entertaining my four closest friends. That means almost 96 hours of round the clock fun. The last 12 hours were quite miserable. I just wanted everyone to leave, give me some peace, give me some quiet. If I can't handle four days with the four people who are the most like me, who can I deal with? It should be painfully obvious to most readers that I am single. I don't know how you married people manage to spend everyday with the same person around all the time. Most the time I just want to watch TV by myself with out having anyone else's input on what to watch. I don't want to hear anyone else's movie choices, restaurant choices, or complaints about work. I don't want to know when you want to exercise and I especially don't want anyone telling me when to clean up. This is why I am single. This is also why those of you who are not wish you were me. Please don't misunderstand. I really love these guys, I just don't want to live in a one bedroom apartment with all of them. I can say this with out risk of hurting any of their feelings because none of them read my blog. You got to love friends like these.
The older I get the harder it is to put these needs aside. I have less tolerance for outside views and more bad habits I don't want to change. I just need to find the perfect woman for me. One that likes to sit in the corner quietly while I lounge around the living room in my underwear and watch modern marvels on the history channel. I guess she would not have to sit in the corner, she could stay in the bedroom, or the kitchen. Just as long as she was out of sight and not making any opinions known to me. I don't see how this is too much to ask. I don't have to be alone all the time, just about 50% of the day. Not including sleeping and bathroom time. I guess I could tolerate having a wife around about 2 hours out of the day, but not everyday. Maybe I can start a program where you can do time shares on spouses. I would not be sexist. I would include husbands in this program. There are many female friends of mine who only want a man when there are chores around the house that need tending to, or maybe just somebody to yell at. Maybe they could even show up with a couple of kids for a few hours and then take them away as well. I would enjoy having a wife and kids every once in a while. I could use them to take photos for my mom to hang around the house. It would also give her some grandkids to spoil. A lot of the time this seems to be my only motivation to ever want to have kids. Plus once she gets old and senile I could have my time share family watch her. I could say, "hey, rental (this is what I would call my time share kid) go catch your Grandma, she is out in traffic again." He would probably cry about my lack of desire to learn his real name, but he is just a time share kid and I won't have any real attachment to him. Unless I start the time share family service I don't see any way to remedy my unique family needs. I would just order a bride from Russia or S.E. Asia, but then they would not know anyone here in the State so they would NEVER leave me alone. I could probably make them sit in the corner or the back room a lot easier, but subconsciously I would keep wondering what they were up to and not be able to really enjoy watching modern marvels on the history channel, and deep down that is all I really want.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are just like someone else in your family. You know exactly who I'm talking about. Spouses are fun but strickly a luxery. Kids are perks but who needs perks. You do suck! Big furry ones.

MOM said...

A time-share grandkid Would be nice. Much nicer than a granddog. Why don't you work on that? Gotta go, holding up traffic;(they're waiting for me to come back and play) Love, MOM

Liz said...

You may be on the verge of a revolution with the time share idea. Remember, there was an existence when "E bay" seemed radical. There was darkness before Match.com spread light. You, my friend, are on to something... or on something, not sure which.

I'm SERIOUS about digging this concept. It might be a little "slave-ish" or "prostitution-like", but it could be handled professionally and make a lot of people happy.

You have access to drugs. Let's tranqulize Chad and put him out on the market as our guinea pig!

Joey said...

Sorry, havent checked the blog in a while. Kattie told me she looked at it while she was out of town and told me about the one where we all came to visit. In my defense, I was there less than 24 hours before my marital neck chain was pulled and I had to go home, so in actuality, it was really 3, not 4 that drove you crazy.