Monday, February 27, 2006

That Beaver's Breath Smells Like Shit

Posted by Killer
My single most favorite fact obtained from The Discovery Channel is that beavers eat their own shit. They eat it only once, and they know the difference. A beaver's diet of wood can be broken down into a nutrient only after passing the section of bowel that is needed to digest said nutrient. So, when a beaver squeezes out a fresh lumber filled poop, he (or apparently a faster, sneakier beaver) will eat the newly made log. The excrement created by eating this is not edible. I imagine this has led to some pretty embarrassing moments for less intelligent beavers, "Oh my God, Jimmy just ate some second shit!" I was enthralling some coworkers this evening with my knowledge of fecal eating beavers when a doctor told me that some Native Americans would have what they referred to as "the second harvest". This involved picking the corn out of their stool to enjoy it a second time. I personally can not verify this from first hand basis (nor from a televised documentary), but I feel this doctor is pretty reliable. When elderly people sit around trying to impress each other with how much harder it used to be in the old days, I bet, "I had to walk ten miles to school in the snow", can not hold a candle to, "I had to pick the corn out of my shit for dinner."
The discussion quickly spiraled down to the fact that some people feel that drinking your own urine has medicinal, as well as, spiritual value. I have actually had a patient, while working in Baltimore, who practiced this belief. She said that many valuable electrolytes are lost in urine. After years of working in the health profession I can safely say that drinking Gatorade also will replace vital electrolytes. NASA has a plan to send a manned mission to Mars within twenty years. It will cost a few hundred billion dollars and the best idea so far for the water supply is to have them drink urine. It will be boiled, then the condensation will be collected, filtered and returned for consumption. I am secretly hoping that they need someone to just go along in order to provide extra urine for the trip. I feel that is the only way I can ever offer anything of value to the space program. Plus, with a captive audience in space for 18 months I will have plenty of time to regale upon them all my knowledge of shit eating beavers.

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

HaHa! beavers,...those furry tail slapping rodents. id pee in the punch for a free trip to space...

Liz said...

Killer- you have out done yourself with this post! EXCELLENT piece of trivia as well as writing.

I feel intimidated. Beaver always makes me a little uncomfortable.

Killer said...

I think Blue Oyster Cult had a hit song called, "Don't Fear the Beaver".

Anonymous said...

Liz don't knock Beaver until you try it.

Anonymous said...

Are you coming to the St. Paddy's party on the 18th. I feel we must spend quality brother-in-law time together with or with out your sister. Liz you are welcome to join us. I can explain more about beaver to you. Who's "the lisa".

Killer said...

the lisa is self explanatory. She is "the lisa". Thank you for commenting the lisa, please come again.

Anonymous said...

This was by far the funniest. I had to read it again... then i found happiness is only a six pack away! while reading it, coworkers kept asking what was wrong 'cuz i kept trying to suppress my lols causing me to make those really ackward farting noises...

Thank you =.D

Anonymous said...

Ate a beaver once that smelled like shit. Think she wiped in the wrong direction. My montra... "Nothing wrong with a little surf and turf now and then."

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