Saturday, August 26, 2006

4:00, People's Court

Dateline: Liz's home office-

I'm doing everything I can to avoid doing the ridiculous laborious homework assignments given to me from my graduate class. I'm telling you, this "going back to school" thing is NOT at all like Rodney Dangerfield promised it would be.

While surfing the net (is that still what the kids are calling it?) to avoid classwork, I came across this tid bit of "news":
  • JEANNETTE, Pa. - Meow. A district judge has been asked to decide whether that word is a harmless taunt or grounds for misdemeanor harassment. Jeannette police charged a 14-year-old boy for "meowing" whenever he sees his neighbor, 78-year-old Alexandria Carasia.


The article goes on to explain that the kid's family had to get rid of their cat because Carasia complained that the cat was using her flower bed as a litter box. The boy says he has only meowed at her twice. Carasia says it's every time he sees her.

If the judge rules that this IS harassment, I've got a whole list of things I think I could get away with suing over. If there is any financial compensation for misdemeanor harassment, I plan on taking these issues to court and retiring at age 45.

Things I qualify as harassment:

  1. Farting in my presence. Especially on purpose, as almost every one of my friends thinks it's acceptable to do. $200 per occurrence.
  2. Borrowing my office supplies and not returning them to the original location. $50
  3. Looking at me. $15
  4. Upholding the "If it's brown, flush it down. If it's yellow, let it mellow" theory in a public restroom. $100
  5. Not upholding the "If it's brown, flush it down" part of that philosophy. $18,000
  6. Driving the speed limit in the passing lane. $6,000
  7. Sending me an email forward that is lame. $486
  8. Sending me an email forward that began circulation in 2001. $468
  9. Reading this blog regularly and not posting a comment. $50
  10. Giving me unsolicited advice about something I do not want your advice on. $2,500
  11. Cell phone addiction: answering the cell phone when you and I are talking without any apology; driving while talking on your phone; being LOUD while on your phone in a public place; answering your cell in a movie. $300-$4,500
  12. Having yellow toenails and wearing flip flops. $75
  13. Being a poor conversationalist. $20
  14. Believing that God put George Bush in office. $5
  15. Running with scissors. $0 (I'll pay you $.05)
  16. Using the word "awesome" in every sentence. $30
  17. Reading your poetry in public. $800
  18. Complaining about cats. $TBD


Killer said...

I am guilty of several of these offenses. I would probably owe you a couple of thousand in farting fines alone.

othur-me said...

SBD's* should cost more, because you don't get the opportunity to walk away from it.

*for the two of you left on this planet (and parts of Mars) not versed the world of farts, SBD's are Silent But Deadly

Jeffery87 said...

How much for smacking you on the ass?