Saturday, August 12, 2006

Liz! Your Ankle Looks Like A Super-Sized Burito!

Dear Blog reader,

Because of my job, I will not take ANY medication that is not explicitly for me. No script, no meds. Crippling back pain? Kim offers me a muscle relaxer? NOPE. I'll be having a Tylenol. Extreme stomach cramping? Mom offers me a prescriptive Imodium? NOPE. Pepto and crossed fingers. Right arm severed in a tractor accident? Aspirin. I won't even sit in the upper balcony at concerts for fear I might inhale someone's second hand pot smoke. I'm very serious about this.

Last week I managed to inexplicably sprain my ankle. Crippled like you wouldn't believe, I have been to 4 doctors and (although I think this is overkill) had x-rays, an MRI, and and an orthopedic specialist examine my ankle. Although I think I would have done just as well going to a witch doctor (they don't know how or why or what for certain) the one thing I thought would be a plus through all of this is my very first prescription for pain medication in nearly 5 years. YEE HAW! Let me testify something for you right now: They don't make drugs like they used to.

I hobbled into the house from the car and got all set up for what I thought would be a trip straight out of '94. I propped my pillows up, got my ice pack, fixed a cold glass of water, turned the TV onto Magnum PI, had a magazine handy, peed so I wouldn't have to get up for hours.... I set the stage for this hallucinogenic voyage. Giddy! I was actually giddy!!!

Imagine my disappointment when all the medication did was relieve the pain. What happened to the good ole days when someone would score some expired meds out of grandma's cabinet and we'd all pop a pill and be off in la-la land? What was grandma taking that I'm not getting? What gives these doctors the right to give me a proper dosage when what I was so looking forward to was a mental vacation?

So, one day when I knew I couldn't walk- I mean, if the house caught fire, I would simply crisp because I couldn't move- I took 2 pills within an hour of each other. THIS will do it, I thought! All it really did was erase my memory. I didn't feel like I was floating above the couch. I didn't want to put on a Pink Floyd album and zone, I didn't note the grooviness of the curtains. It was LAME and made my stomach hurt. What I DID do is go to and buy a butt load of stuff I don't need. That's been a treat! I've been getting packages all week that contain items I do not recall ordering.

At least I know I have excellent taste, even when under the influence of weak pain medication.

1 comment:

Killer said...

It is good to see you up blogging again. Maybe you have been too hopped up on pain pills to write anything.
Maybe you should just go ahead and gobble up about five all at once. Rush Limbaugh is double that, many times a day, and he did not get into trouble. Why would you.