Saturday, August 19, 2006

Kiss My Ass, Sandra Bullock

Liz peeks:

I'm not a repulsive looking person; I do not scare young children- but I've done almost everything humanly possible to ruin the few good genes my parents did pass along to me. My mother was a knockout in her youth and has managed to creep into middle age gracefully. I, however, take after my dad- who is certainly not an ogre but also not a competitor for a slot on the Chippendale circuit. In other words, I had potential to be above average in the looks department. Notice I used a past tense helping verb? I have done almost everything I can do in my 34 years to pull into the fast lane of unattractiveness. I have smoked, eaten only the highest calorie foods and have avoided sweat most of my life. I'm drinking a beer right now and don't think it's a light.

To compensate (I guess) I started going to the tanning bed- which will age you faster than having 2 year olds in the house. That has not been enough as I've gained about 15 pounds this week. So my new "trick" (because I'll be dammed if I'm going to lose weight or give up cocktails) is to grow my bangs out. This was inspired by a picture of Sandra Bullock on the cover of Vanity Fair.

Now I can't see shit. I try to type and I can't see the screen. I try to drive and I can't see the road. It has gotten out of control. My bangs have actually poked my eyeballs and made my eyes water in pain. I could brush my bangs to the side, but when I try that I look like I'm on a field trip from the group home. That's not going to get me a date.

This blog is a request. Do you know a wealthy blind man looking for a hook up? His looks don't matter. I can't see anyway.


Killer said...

Damn that Sandra Bullock and her bangs. She makes everything look falsely cool. After Speed came out, in 1994, I spent months trying to learn to drive a city bus before realizing that it is not at all action packed. I think she should be stopped.

Joey said...

I never noticed she had bangs. I could never see beyond her mannish throat. Seriously, if you have never paid attention to it take a look.