Thursday, July 05, 2007

Proud To Be An American


Killer weeps red, white and blue tears of joy


I am usually not sentimental. I am usually not very nationalistic. Recently both were displayed as I was moved by a return to American dominance. Dominance in a field that seemed to be impossible to NOT be dominated by Americans. The field of competitive eating.


I mean we are the fattest nation; the most gluttonous nation. Shouldn't we also be the fastest to eat anything under the sun? Well, we have not been for six long disappointing years.


The pinnacle of the competitive eating circuit is the Annual Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest in New York. Every year the best of the best come from around the globe to stuff as many hot dogs and buns into their gullet as humanly possible, as fast as possible. The last six years have been won by the same man. A Japanese man named, Takeru Kobayashi. Not only is Kobayashi not American, he is not fat; not even a little chubby.


Here is the whole article: American Hot Dog Champion


The least a man can do if he wants to be a great competitive eater is allow himself to get obese. Come on, who wants to celebrate a skinny guy eating a lot? I want to watch a fat guy get fatter. I want to cheer him on while secretly thinking, "What a fat ass, he is going to die any second." Nobody wants to see a skinny guy eat 65 hot dogs in record time then go jogging, unless he is going to get hit by a city bus and have his hot dog laden intestines splattered all over the pavement. Americans definitely want to see that.


Thank you Joey Chestnut for melting my cold, cynical heart on the Fourth of July and making me a proud American again. And thank you for having an extremely American name in the process.

10 comments:

Babybull40 said...

Yeah to Joey Chestnut... You should be so proud.. He's even got "nut" in his last name.. Are your balls beaming with pride too.. ha ha..

hellohahanarf said...

yay, joey chestnut! way to bring home the win.

gatey said...

I read your previous blog last night and was actually checking in to post that I was hoping for a blog about this from you...but you beat me to the punch...bravo.

By the way, you mentioned that you would expect a fat guy to dominate this event...Disco Stu and Lick explained this to me years ago...there is a theory (discussed here - here and here) that basically argues that the stomach of a fat person is restricted from growing by all the fat around it. It is appropriately titled the Belt of Fat theory.

mist1 said...

I also celebrated my national pride with a mouthful of meat. Go America!

Natalie said...

Chestnut isn't all that fat either. I guess it really is a sport.

Roadchick said...

That leaves the 'chick oddly proud to be part of this great nation we call America.

Way to bring home the win, Joey!

Churlita said...

I can't watch those eating contests. They make me want to yak.

Killer said...

babybull40:
yes, yes they are.

Hellohahanarf:
We should start a joey chestnut fan club.

gatey:
Only you would nerd up an eating fact.

mist1:
I expected nothing less, as long as it was American made.

natalie:
Damn skinny people are taking over the world.

Roadchick:
The only thing that could have made it more patriotic would be for him to have turned his trucker hat around backwards right before the last dog, just like "Over the Top".

Churlita:
There is nothing appetizing about the ordeal. Especially as they dunk them in water and get them all soggy and nasty before inhaling them.

Jester said...

I think the US would win the population weigh in.

I'm bummed cause Mist stole my joke.

Killer said...

Jester:
Not surprisingly, that joke would have been funny, and appropriate from either of you.