Killer weeps red, white and blue tears of joy
I am usually not sentimental. I am usually not very nationalistic. Recently both were displayed as I was moved by a return to American dominance. Dominance in a field that seemed to be impossible to NOT be dominated by Americans. The field of competitive eating.
I mean we are the fattest nation; the most gluttonous nation. Shouldn't we also be the fastest to eat anything under the sun? Well, we have not been for six long disappointing years.
The pinnacle of the competitive eating circuit is the Annual Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest in New York. Every year the best of the best come from around the globe to stuff as many hot dogs and buns into their gullet as humanly possible, as fast as possible. The last six years have been won by the same man. A Japanese man named, Takeru Kobayashi. Not only is Kobayashi not American, he is not fat; not even a little chubby.
Here is the whole article: American Hot Dog Champion
The least a man can do if he wants to be a great competitive eater is allow himself to get obese. Come on, who wants to celebrate a skinny guy eating a lot? I want to watch a fat guy get fatter. I want to cheer him on while secretly thinking, "What a fat ass, he is going to die any second." Nobody wants to see a skinny guy eat 65 hot dogs in record time then go jogging, unless he is going to get hit by a city bus and have his hot dog laden intestines splattered all over the pavement. Americans definitely want to see that.
Thank you Joey Chestnut for melting my cold, cynical heart on the Fourth of July and making me a proud American again. And thank you for having an extremely American name in the process.