Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I know why they spit wine out

Liz's wine lesson 101:

I like to think that I can discern a good beer. Killer would disagree with my assessment. He likes them hearty, strong and dark. Although I like my men that way, I prefer my beer light and only hinting of hops.

Lately I've not had any beer in the fridge. I KNOW. I keep forgetting to stop and get some and when I've gone to the grocery it's always been before they can sell beer (Sundays at noon they wave a green flag and aisle is a free for all). Since I don't have any limes or fruit juice, I'm stuck drinking wine.

I say that like it's a chore. It's not. But I've grown a little weary of wine this month. I've probably finished off a total of 9 bottles by myself since July 1. And I've gone through all the good white wines. All that's left are these red ones. I pee maroon. I'm tired of it.

Red wine is beginning to taste like I imagine dirty feet to taste. It's not helping that I'll take a gulp and let it sit in my mouth for several seconds before I can swallow it. It's like 1,000 shoeless first graders having a dance off inside my mouth. That's just icky.

I have come up with an idea, though.

I have some Lemoncello in the freezer. I find Lemoncello to be too strong and overpowering. What I thought I'd do is make some lemonade ice cubes, blend those with the Lemoncello, and add a splash of Bourbon. A lemon-Bourbon daiquiri, sort of. It might not be worth a damn, but it's got to taste better than feet.

I'm also tired of people telling me that the Rieslings I prefer have no medicinal value. They keep pressuring me into buying this red shit for my health. Have people not yet figured out that "health" falls WAY below "buzz" on my priority list? It's like when strangers tell me that smoking is bad for me. I GOT THE MEMO FROM THE SURGEON GENERAL- every time I buy a pack of cigarettes. Jeez. Don't you have a child somewhere you can go beat?


Killer said...

If your wine tastes like feet it might be the old school kind that they used to squish with their feet.


it could be that when I was at your house the other day, I soaked my feet in your wine and then put it back in the bottle.

Liz said...

You're evil.


Wavemancali said...

I am pissing myself laughing here.

In Canada in the 80's there was a commercial for humanitarian aid for Bangladesh.

The woman in the commercial would say, "This is Lada Hitchmanova from Bangladesh, where the children have no food to eat.. or shoes for their feet."

My friend Steve mimicked Lada's voice perfectly. So he would finish the above quote in her voice saying, "So we are teaching them to eat their feet"

So any time I hear that something tastes like feet I piss myself laughing. It comes up much more than you'd think.

judyb said...

what the hell is Lemoncello?!?

JLeonard said...

Im still stuck on holding it in your mouth before swallowing. Makes me wonder why you would do that.

Babybull40 said...

That's hysterical.. smelly tasting feet for wine and killer's balls.. what a combo...BTW Liz it's not mouthwash.. so why leave it in yer mouth.. that just brings out the feet taste even more...

Mayren said...

I love Rieslings! i prefer light, fruity and slightly sweet white wines too. I'm a sucker for a good white wine spritzer.

Red Wines and feet make me think of Killer for somereason.

Churlita said...

All this talk of swallowing is going to make you really, really popular.

hellohahanarf said...

i'm a chardonnay girl, but have found a few cabs that are making me smile. not the same warm and fuzzy buzz that a chardonnay gives me, but still a tasty drink. especially a not cheap little kid feet flavor!

i love me some maker's mark so lemme know about your new drink. i'm not a fan of that eyetalian lemon crap, but i like lemonade and i like bourbon. you've got me curious...