Friday, July 06, 2007

It's Official, I'm Going to Hell

I noticed today that I had fifteen separate google hits with the search, "May the Lord Bless You and Keep You." I blame this on Liz. She wrote a post in June called May the Lord Bless You and Keep You as Long as You Forward This.

Every time a good upstanding believer clicks on this site expecting to receive religious affirmation, and instead sees all the posts about my balls, I just know I am being added to a Go-Straight-to-Hell prayer list. I have heard about prayer lists where whole groups of people will pray for the well being of fellow church members, so it only seems obvious to me that they would have a list for the opposite effect.

My plan has always been to pull off the old death bed forgiveness move and squeak into Heaven, but the more prayers sent up requesting a Hell bound outcome will make that more unlikely. I prefer to fly my soul under the radar. I don't need all this added attention.

Thanks Liz, you are off gallivanting around Italy, not even bothering to post, and I am inching my way to eternal damnation. You need to get back here and write a letter to everyone saying it was you. If I end up in Hell, I am so going to haunt you.


Babybull40 said...

Maybe while Liz is away she can ask the POPE to put in a good word for ya.. Seeing that you like to talk alot about your anatomy... maybe they will let squeak in.. on probation at first....

Mel Francis said...

Hey, I bought my own handbasket just in case...I figure if I'm going to hell in one, it should be custom made. You're welcome to ride with me...

babybull, I'm not sure that asking Liz to talk to the Pope is a good idea. She'll start the conversation just so she can get close enough to knock the hat off his head. I'm thinking the Pope probably wouldn't grant Killer damnation amnesty if that happens.

laughingattheslut said...

We're not allowed to pray for people to go to hell. You either pray that someone won't go to hell, or you keep your mouth shut.

I'm keeping my mouth shut for a lot worse people than you.

Roadchick said...

The 'chick's condo in hell is already reserved. Welcome home, neighbor!

Churlita said...

I had tons of Mormons getting to my site because I wrote a post about them a while back. I'm most assuredly going to Mormon hell now. Will I have to wear special underwear for that too?

heather said...

lmao!! that's my mother's prayer list you're talking about there killer. it's usually followed by the 'let me win the lottery so i can have a better car/bigger house/more money than...' prayer

laughingattheslut said...

That prayer is allowed.

It just doesn't often get the desired answer.

chris said...

Well LUCKY for you, I have a strong feeling that there will be SEVERAL NICU nurses there so you won't be alone.

We are often on the bus to hell, & I am usually the driver, sometimes the stop sign.

Killer said...

I think if Liz gets an audience with the Pope, all the time will be spent on her confession.

If you keep sharing your handbasket they are going to not let you into hell.

I am perfectly fine with everyone keeping their mouth shut about me to the Lord. I am trying to stay inconspicuous.

They have condos in hell? Maybe it won't be so bad. I think a nice little two bedroom on the lake of fire would be lovely in the fall.

I would say, "Those Mormons are sneaky", but I don't want them coming after me either.

If your Mother can keep me off her prayer list, than I will pray for her to win the lottery.

They should give God a cut of the lottery money, since everyone always asks him for help in winning.

Yes, I am aware that there will probably be ample time for family reunions in hell, especially with our family.

laughingattheslut said...

God does get a cut of my lottery money. 10% as always. It adds up. See?

10% of a million dollars is a hundred thousand dollars.

10% of two million dollars is two hundred thousdand dollars.

10% of ten million dollars is a million dollars.

Unfortunately, the most I've ever won was like a hundred dollars, and 10% of that was only ten bucks.

briliantdonkey said...

Blame it on Liz while she is away and unable to defend herself. Great strategy, consider me impressed.