I know why they spit wine out

Liz's wine lesson 101:

I like to think that I can discern a good beer. Killer would disagree with my assessment. He likes them hearty, strong and dark. Although I like my men that way, I prefer my beer light and only hinting of hops.

Lately I've not had any beer in the fridge. I KNOW. I keep forgetting to stop and get some and when I've gone to the grocery it's always been before they can sell beer (Sundays at noon they wave a green flag and aisle is a free for all). Since I don't have any limes or fruit juice, I'm stuck drinking wine.

I say that like it's a chore. It's not. But I've grown a little weary of wine this month. I've probably finished off a total of 9 bottles by myself since July 1. And I've gone through all the good white wines. All that's left are these red ones. I pee maroon. I'm tired of it.

Red wine is beginning to taste like I imagine dirty feet to taste. It's not helping that I'll take a gulp and let it sit in my mouth for several seconds before I can swallow it. It's like 1,000 shoeless first graders having a dance off inside my mouth. That's just icky.

I have come up with an idea, though.

I have some Lemoncello in the freezer. I find Lemoncello to be too strong and overpowering. What I thought I'd do is make some lemonade ice cubes, blend those with the Lemoncello, and add a splash of Bourbon. A lemon-Bourbon daiquiri, sort of. It might not be worth a damn, but it's got to taste better than feet.

I'm also tired of people telling me that the Rieslings I prefer have no medicinal value. They keep pressuring me into buying this red shit for my health. Have people not yet figured out that "health" falls WAY below "buzz" on my priority list? It's like when strangers tell me that smoking is bad for me. I GOT THE MEMO FROM THE SURGEON GENERAL- every time I buy a pack of cigarettes. Jeez. Don't you have a child somewhere you can go beat?

What a Way to Start the New Year

Liz lightly pecks away at the keyboard while her head pounds:

Vodka shots are BAD, evil things. I can still taste the last one I did lingering somewhere in the back of my throat, threatening to make a reappearance if I do so much as tilt my head in a funny direction.

I find similar characteristics between alcohol and men. Life is much better with it than without it, but too much time around it has painful repercussions. I am committed to not giving up alcohol or men, but I find that I get sick of both of those things pretty quickly. At what point am I going to simply give in and accept that I'm like an alcoholic Flo from Mel's diner? I want my shot after shift ends, I want to find the occasional cutie to have dinner with, and then I want to be left alone to sleep all afternoon and walk through my house without brushing my hair or teeth or showering, or even with pants on, sometimes for a couple of days.

I try avoiding new year's resolutions because they don't take. This year, however, I'm going to put not smoking back on my to do list. That gives me 12 months to make it happen before I can officially say that I, yet again, failed. That's the kind of pressure I can appreciate.

I'm thinking with this being 2007 I might try to adopt a more James Bond lifestyle. I have the vodka drinks down and as you know I'm a card player. It's the fast cars and intense knowledge of... uh... everything that I lack. I think it would be cool to find ONE characteristic or skill that James Bond has and make the mastery of that my goal for 2007. Maybe, inexplicably, I could start speaking with a British accent or maybe I could purchase a pen that will scald the skin off my coworkers with acid. The options are limitless! I really need to sit down and think about this. I have a tendency to get James Bond and the Pink Panther movies confused.

How about you? Have you resolved to do anything differently now that 007 is here?