May the Lord Bless You and Keep You- as long as you forward this

Liz types, one slow stroke at a time:

It's 8:45. I took a Tylenol PM an hour ago. I've had 2 glasses of wine. I'm sleepy.

I've got to hit the ground running tomorrow. I'm still like a kid on the eve of the first day of school when it comes to being on time for early Monday scheduled events. I've only overslept once since I've taken the job I have now. That's once in 4 years. I wasn't even that late getting there, but still that one time is enough to convince me that I'm prone to oversleeping. Can someone explain how sometimes the ice maker cutting on will wake me and other times Banana Rama blaring from my clock radio won't even cause me to stir?

I've noticed that I am compulsive about checking my work web mail. That doesn't make sense. Every now and then I'll need to visit the site for a legitimate purpose. Other times, I'm just checking it. I need a new Internet rotation. If I were an executive at the company or in a high stress, overloaded job, the need to hover over my work mail would be justified. I'm just a goober, I think. Usually when I check work mail after hours the only messages I have are from the IT department warning me that mail over 12 weeks old will be purged and an unopened email from me to me. Something I'm sending myself to forward to others the next day.

There is a guy at work who is constantly forwarding me religious emails. Thanks for caring, but I think these emails are usually pretty stupid. How come Christians can't seem to put together a PowerPoint slide show that's worth a damn? There are always really tacky things like graphics of roses opening up or text that changes into rainbow colors. 90% of them insist that you forward the email immediately and clearly explain that if you do not forward it immediately, God will not grant your wishes. Who is making that shit up? I want a profile that explains to me the type of person who makes those slide shows and I want to know the circumstances in which they work. I envision a sweat shop in the basement of Jerry Falwell's apartment where no less than 40 women and men in their late 60's are struggling to meet their quota. I see Jerry coming in daily and reviewing their work. "More rainbows. More fire coming from the cross. Alice, how many times do I have to tell you that 'God' is always in purple, Verdana font? Jesus!"

I would like to create my own forward. I want to title it, "Rules for Forwarding". I want it to be slightly clever and not mean, but it needs to make a point. I want it to be something you send out to people and they might think it's a joke, but they also get the hint that you don't particularly like their idiotic forwards. What rules would you add?

It's 9:30. I got up for a few minutes and poured another glass of wine and took another Tylenol. I've never taken 3 before. Now I'm nervous. But not too nervous to sleep! I'm typing out some rules and then I'm hitting the hay. If I've instigated an overdose, maybe this will be my legacy.

Rules for Forwarding:

• Emails often say that you should forward them out to everyone you care about, including the person who sent the email. If you don't get one back from me, take the hint. Our relationship is one sided.
• You're not going to get a free laptop, a gift certificate, or money for participating in an email forwarding project. However, if you'll quit forwarding me emails promising you'll get something in return, I will pay you $2.
• If we live in the same state and haven't spoken in over 6 months, take me off of your "friends" list and quit forwarding me emails. We're both not interested in keeping this thing going or we would have called by now. Let it die.
• I am not going to sign any petition that comes to me as a forward. Go ahead and add my name to the bottom of the list before you send it off to others. I hope I'll never find out about it.

Send your ideas for the rules. I hope to work on this when I get back from vacation so that it's up and running when I get back to the office. I'll be out of the country. There's no telling how many freakin' forwards will be in my In Box when I return.