Official Holiday Proclimation

Liz celebrates:

I'm declaring it "It Sucks To Be You" week next week. I have decided that I have a really great life and that being happy is worth holding over other people's heads. In its origin, long before my time, the idea of out-joying others started out pure, but then it was stolen and distorted by the incredibly perky. They ruin everything.

My mind is racing, thinking of all the ways my joy can sap the life out of those around me. You'd be surprised at how difficult this planning is. I'm feeding on the principles of the dark side, but I have to make certain that I'm not doing anything evil. I'm trying to be both the Yen and the Yang simultaneously. A Yeng.

Thank God I'm up for the challenge.

I believe there are more creative ways for me to make you feel awful about your own life than to use phrases like, "Happy Monday!" and "I'm doing great, but it's getting better." Only people who aren't really happy use cliches like that. I haven't quite finalized my plan for making you feel worse about your life than you already do, but I can guarantee that I'm working on something and it's pretty damn clever.

This inspiration for being a happy vacuum came from a recent visit to the Chancery Clerk's Office. I'm trying to get a passport for a possible vacation to Italy this summer (you're already feeling your happiness level fade, aren't you?). Obtaining a passport is a major pain in the ass. But that's ok. If I'm going to Italy, I can do a little leg work pre-trip. But when I walked into the Chancery Clerk's Office, it was like an invisible force field of loathing enveloped the room. The people working there are bitter cunts. All the pleasure I felt about my ultimate purpose was sapped out of me the moment I pushed open the glass doors. The room is depressing and the people are lethargic. They all have the same wrinkle lines, too; those lines that come from years of scowling. I ascertained immediately that the gates to hell were behind the file cabinet, but the imposing "DO NOT ENTER- THIS MEANS YOU" sign prevented me from being able to verify my suspicions.

I figure if you can be such a despicable human being that you steal the joy of others for a living, I can shove in your face that it sucks to be you. I'm just doing you a favor. I want to take what happiness you have left in your crusty heart and take it. Your transition to a soulless asshole can finally be completed.

You're welcome.

You are all invited to celebrate "It Sucks To Be You" week in your own way. My way will involve smoking to the point where I'm convinced I've given myself cancer and inventing a new cocktail. This cocktail will reflect the personality of its creator. I want a concoction that glows like it's radioactive and combines both sweet and bitter. It should bubble and smoke like a witch's brew and be adored by some and despised by others. This drink is going to have its own opinion. Love me, drink me in and become intoxicated. Hate me and settle for your store-shelf mixer. You decide. No pressure.

Oh. And I'll be making county employees cry.