Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Do you have a better way to spend seventeen months?

One small step for Killer, One giant step back for Mankind

The EU is looking for six volunteers to lock in a small mock space ship for seventeen months. European Space Volunteers

I have no plans for the coming years, so I thought I would apply.

The purpose is to see how well humans would survive together in cramped, sparse surroundings with poor supplies. It sounds like my college apartment, and that wasn't too bad.

I have seen Bio-Dome, with Pauly Shore, several times and it seemed like they enjoyed themselves, so why not give this a shot. If it is one thing that movies have taught me over the span of my lifetime, it is that movies never exaggerate the truth.

If chosen, here is my top five agenda items for living in a small space with six other people for seventeen months.

1. As soon as they close and lock the door, fart really obnoxiously. If I am going to be stuck in a confined space for seventeen months, I want to set the precedent immediately. I am not getting up and going into the lavatory EVERY single time I have to expel gas.

2. Pick one person and always give them a portion of my food rations. When we run out of food, and it is inevitable with my sleep eating disorder, I need to have at least one person plumped up and ready for me to cannibalize.

3. Immediately run around and hump all the other participants. I am not sure why, but on the Animal Planet this always seems to show dominance, and I want to be the boss.

4. Begin my own experiment: How long before everyone else goes crazy if I continuously sing the theme song to "Three's Company".

5. As soon as the doors are locked, turn to the rest of the crew and in a sinister voice say, "Over the next seventeen months, whether you realize it or not, I will touch all of you with my balls." Then show them my balls.


Mayren said...

This is awesome. Thanks for the post. New things are always around the corner

hellohahanarf said...

what if a game of fart tennis immediately breaks out? you serve as soon as the door is locked, then the other folks lob them back at you...can you handle that?

also, why isn't showing your balls to the rest of the group higher on the list??

Killer said...

Thanks, but I don't think my farting or ball talk is actually new.

I can ace anyone in fart tennis.
I always save the best for last.

Babybull40 said... when do you leave? And can you send postcards back to earth with pictures of you farting and showing off your balls?

Churlita said...

I believe anything with Pauly Shore in it has to be real. did he play fart tennis in Biodome?

Jester said...

::snap:: That's it! You were my roommate in Nashville for a brief period!

I knew you looked familiar.

Liz said...

I don't get it. This is like EVERY time you come to my house. What's so special about this "plan"?

josiecat said...

ken wants to know whats up with this guy and his balls?

i just didnt have an answer, im sure hes just overflowing with anticipation to meet you

Killer said...

I still have to get selected, and then I believe I will be isolated from the outside world the entire time. Sadly, no postcards.

Pauly is the greatest, I rank him up there with James Dean and Alf.
I believe Biodome was too high brow for fart tennis.

I knew you would catch on sooner or later. Often it is hard to recognize me with pants on.

The difference with this plan is the other people can't run out of the house screaming like you always do.

Their my best feature. If I had great hair I would always talk about that. What wants to read a blog about hair?

apositivepessimist said...

Farting a subtle way of letting them know who is top bloody dog of that there little spaceship. I like it. Might need to try it around the Hillbillie Dinner table tonight.

I can see a sequel to SpaceBalls on the horizon.

Hello there Mr Killer :)

Eris said...

Really, the only important one is number 5. The others are just extraneous.

Killer said...

I agree, flatulence should be a sign of dominance. Also, Welcome to the States.

Yes, the 5th is really the only one that is important. The rest are just filler to meet the whole "ten commandment" gimmick.