The EU is looking for six volunteers to lock in a small mock space ship for seventeen months. European Space Volunteers
I have no plans for the coming years, so I thought I would apply.
The purpose is to see how well humans would survive together in cramped, sparse surroundings with poor supplies. It sounds like my college apartment, and that wasn't too bad.
I have seen Bio-Dome, with Pauly Shore, several times and it seemed like they enjoyed themselves, so why not give this a shot. If it is one thing that movies have taught me over the span of my lifetime, it is that movies never exaggerate the truth.
If chosen, here is my top five agenda items for living in a small space with six other people for seventeen months.
1. As soon as they close and lock the door, fart really obnoxiously. If I am going to be stuck in a confined space for seventeen months, I want to set the precedent immediately. I am not getting up and going into the lavatory EVERY single time I have to expel gas.
2. Pick one person and always give them a portion of my food rations. When we run out of food, and it is inevitable with my sleep eating disorder, I need to have at least one person plumped up and ready for me to cannibalize.
3. Immediately run around and hump all the other participants. I am not sure why, but on the Animal Planet this always seems to show dominance, and I want to be the boss.
4. Begin my own experiment: How long before everyone else goes crazy if I continuously sing the theme song to "Three's Company".
5. As soon as the doors are locked, turn to the rest of the crew and in a sinister voice say, "Over the next seventeen months, whether you realize it or not, I will touch all of you with my balls." Then show them my balls.