Monday, June 11, 2007

Suicidal Ideations

Killer’s last thoughts (almost)

I might have mentioned an irrational dislike I have for a co-worker in the past. As a matter of fact, I might have written an entire post about it.

Tonight I was cornered by the above mentioned irrationally disliked coworker. It was obvious I was not busy, because I was sitting by myself, drinking some fresh brewed 100% Kona coffee (because that’s how I roll), with my feet propped up on the desk. I was contemplating the ease of my work night and enjoying the solitude when she suddenly appeared in front of me in her full manic glory.

Tonight she is wearing a disgustingly tight, sheer white t-shirt, lime green Capri pants, with a matching one inch stripe of lime green eyeliner above her eyes. She is very happy to see me and begins to tell me about how her and her husband just moved their travel trailer to a new mobile home park.

The following is my brain’s internal debate during what was very close to being the last five minutes of my life.

Oh shit! How did I not see her come in? I don’t think there is any way out of here. I could fake a seizure, but I might spill my coffee. This is 100% Kona damn it! I should just leap up and kill her right now. No, that would mean I would spend the rest of my life in prison and be stuck thinking about her forever.

What has she done with her makeup? It looks like the 80’s exploded in her face. This is too much. Screw me running; she is talking about her new trailer park. That makeup plus bragging about your luxurious new trailer park is stereotypical overload. I want to die.

Man, when she laughs it is like my ear drums are being gang raped by an angry group of bikers. I wonder if she would suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder if I pulled out a scalpel and sliced my wrists.

That t-shirt is so damn tight it’s as if she is wearing saran wrap. If I have to look at her boobs much longer I am going to swear off tits forever. There should be laws that if your nipples are lower than your belly button you should have to wear a sweater for the rest of your life. SHIT! I think she just caught me looking at her boobs, and she smiled. Now she is going to think I am ogling her cans. That does it, I have to die now. There is no other choice.

Okay, how can I do it? If I am going to take my own life, it had better be soon, she has not shut up about that damn trailer park. I was bluffing about cutting my wrists. I don’t have a scalpel on me. How about pulling the computer’s network cable up and wrapping it around my throat until I choke violently at her feet?

She’s a nurse damn it! She would probably drop down and revive me with CPR and mouth to mouth. THAT would be the perfect ironic twist to my suicide attempt. I kill myself to escape her, but am brought back to life only to find her lips locked with mine. I have to kill myself in a decisive, no retreat-no surrender type of way.

Okay, I lick my own hand, grab that spoon and cram it full force into the electrical outlet. Beautiful plan, if she tries to save me she will get fried as well. I just hope she doesn’t think I am licking my hand as sexual harassment. I wouldn’t want her suing my family posthumously.

Wait! Her phone is ringing. She has to go to the ER for an emergency. Relief! Reprieve! Rejoice! I am going to call my Mom immediately and tell her I love her. She almost lost a son tonight and she would never have known why. I want to run down the hall cheering like a mad man! Okay, Okay, you can stop licking your hand already; people are starting to stare.


Babybull40 said...

She probably knew you were checking out her "cans" and that is why she chose to wear a tight shear shirt to work..The eys makeup is just wrong...

MOM said...

I guess I missed that call. Probably because I was taking care of gangrene boy and running my butt off all night. I love you too and I'm glad your'e still here.

Mayren said...

*shudder* i'm afraid of the nasty "can" lady.
No CPR for me - i would just get a DNR order for myself that is specific to her.


gatey said...

I like that you were happy that there was a MEDICAL EMERGENCY that was likely a threat to a real human life (and possibly ended up with someone dead) because it got you out of an annoying, you nurses are jaded as hell....

p.s. Saw knocked up male nurses are everywhere these days....first in the Meet the Parents franchise and now there is an appearance in Knocked step a male nurse President.

Killer said...

Babybull 40:
My words can not fully express the wrongness.

mmmmmmm, gangrene, the smell of stinky cheese.

thanks for the hug.

Jaded and becoming more socially acceptable.

laughingattheslut said...

Well, it just sounds so eighth grade if you got one of your friends to tell one of her friends that you don't want to go together anymore....

But seriously, maybe you have a mutual friend at work that wouldn't mind telling her that she's getting on a few people's nerves. And she should save the green dye for Easter eggs.

And maybe the mutual friend could mention that somebody she works with is nicknamed Killer.

mist1 said...

I have an irrational dislike for many, many people. I think that it's providing some sort of balance in the Universe. Clearly, these people have done something awful in their past lives and I am here to hate them and even out the karmic score.

Natalie said...

I hope that she never laughs again because ears being gang raped by angry bikers, albeit hilarious, is not ok.

heather said...

Screw me running.

now ~this~ is blog brilliance! lol

Killer said...

To be fair, my ears are sluts and were totally asking for it.

I have always loved saying that, as well as, "Fuck me in the goat ass".

dmarks said...

Truth is indeed stranger than the "Drew Carey Show". That was some really great writing there, too.

Killer said...

Thanks, and truth usually is stranger.